A long way home
by Cuddles101
Summary: The truth is an illusion and lies a grand delusion. Callian saga. Not a light and cheerful piece. Warnings: Violence, Language and a bit of everything else. Rated T for a reason.
1. Prologue

**A long way home**

Summary: When Cal's actions has terrible consequences, will he be able to hold it all together? Are the miraculous second chances in this life? Warning: Voilence. Not a light and cheerful piece. Disclaimer: I don't own LTM characters nor did I create them.

Author: Cuddles101

Spoilers: AU or after season 3 – your pick.

Note: First fanfic ever...

**Prologue**

He still couldn't believe it. How could he be so wrong? He, who always saw the truth behind any lies and deception, completely missed signals that now put together were beaming red neon sign DANGER, DANGER, DANGER. She had tried to warn him, tried to reason with him, but no – he had to be arrogant bastard. He just couldn't let it go. He really had to go for the truth, in this case truth regardless of consequences. But the price for his actions this time was too high. One he was not willing to pay. The one he was not able to pay...

Cal was standing in the cemetery. He was completely oblivious to the fact that he was drenching wet or the fact that in last half of hour the rain has come from mild to complete pouring. Hell, he even didn't know how he got there. He still clanged to the hope that it was all a dream, more precise a nightmare he will awake from. Dark kept creeping around his soul and all he felt was complete emptiness, devastation and above all – guilt. His soul was broken.

The universe, at least his universe had frozen at that horrible, terrifying moment. The only thing that kept him going for last couple of days was shock he was in. Some part of his subconscious dreaded the moment it would wear off. In some way he wanted to stay in the denial for the rest of his life. The truth didn't matter anymore. For the first time in his life truth was something he was not willing to acknowledge and accept.

The funeral took place earlier that day. He remembered standing there with his emotions and feelings completely shut down. It was the only way he was able to cope. He vaguely remembered Emily crying, her tear soaking face buried in the shoulder of Zoe. He recalled sad looks on faces of Torres and Locker. Non of it mattered to him at that point. Nothing mattered anymore. Everyone had left short after, but he was still standing there unable to move, to leave or at least find some shelter from the rain. Only now looking at the fresh grave he let his emotions free - the guilt he tried to burry in the darkest corners of his soul resurfaced with double force, the effect of it forcing him to kneel down in the wet grass.

Sudden memory of her ice blue eyes brought up suffocating wave of guilt. It was like ton of bricks pressing on him and for a moment he thought that he will never be able to breathe again. All he could see in front of his mind eye was last moments of the damned video feed.

Still kneeling in the wet grass he tried to focus on good memories. Her bright smile that always was light of his day. Her calm demeanour and kindness she showed to anyone. He was always amazed how she could be completely and idiotically happy about the smallest of things like chocolate pudding in the morning, weddings, children, romance novels or seeing that he was ok after he had unnecessarily put his life in peril again. She was intelligent, strong willed and was the only one who was able to deal with him, keep at least one of his foots on the ground. She was his conscience, his blind spot. Reading her was always difficult to him and he admired the way she stuck to her beliefs and was not afraid to argue with him or anyone else to make her point. Moreover, she had always been there to cover his back, to lift him up whenever he fell and care for him whenever he was too reckless to do it himself. For the last decade she was the one constant in his life he could always rely on.

Through his sorrow and pain he now clearly saw, what he had refused to do before and the irony of the situation struck him. Why did people always made the same mistake and appreciate importance of what they got only after losing it. Only now he was finally able to admit at least to himself the depth of his feelings for her. Off course he had admitted once before to Emily that he loved Gill. But even then he hadn't realised the depth of his feelings. Only now – four days after her death he was finally able to admit it to himself. It was far beyond friendship, lust or love. She was his soul mate, his better half, his conscience and he loved her with all his heart. It was like in those novels she so much admired – love written in the stars. He knew unmistakably that with her death a part of him died. His better part that could never be recovered.

He had never told her how much she meant to him, never bothered to acknowledge her not only for her skills, good looks or intelligence, but also for being there and sticking around when no one else would. He had never apologized for all his stupid and thick-skulled actions that had caused her a great deal of sorrow. For pushing her buttons over and over again. She had given him countless chances to make things right, and he blew them all. He had pushed her away, afraid to taint her, to drag her down to his level, believing that she deserved someone better. And now it was his own loss, because she died never knowing how much she meant to him. And try as he might he would never be able to make it right...

The fact that her death was his fault only made matters worse. It was HIS fault. All of it was only HIS fault. He made a mistake, a huge mistake in judgement and that had caused terrible consequences. And it was Gillian who had paid the price, highest prince possible – before the son of the bitch finally killed her he had put her through all circles of hell one by one and Cal had witnessed it all through video tapes sent to the office. She had been his hostage for a week, before he had finally got rid of her. Although her face was beaten and swollen almost beyond recognition at the time and her jaw was broken, she had looked straight in the camera, knowing the Cal saw it all and whispered: "Can't fight, forgive u self". He could see in her eyes that she had given up, her spirit broken. It was clear that she was waiting for it all to be over and was almost glad that her tormentor was ready to finish what he had started, finding relief in the fact that she won't feel anything at all soon. He also saw deep compassion and love in her eyes as she looked in the camera. It was directed to him and ran right through his heart like lightning bolt, leaving Cal completely frozen in front of the screen. So many emotions running on her face – fear of more pain, acceptance of her destiny, determination not to scream, robbing the monster satisfaction of her begging and over it all – love and worry for him. She had known Cal better than he knew himself. In her short, barely audible message she had put in all her strength and faith, urging him to find some peace within himself, letting him know that she didn't think any of it was his fault and asking to forgive himself. Even at her death hour she was still looking out for him.

Seeing her taking last breath, as body go limp and light leaving her eyes made Cal snap inside, bringing from his lips desperate, primal scream. It was terrifying with its sheer force. Afterwards he collapsed on the floor in violent sobs and everything went black.

If only he had seen... if only he had listened to her pleas... if only he had detected... if only he had protected her... if only he could undo it all... if only...


	2. Chapter 1 No rest for the wicked

**A long way home**

Author: Cuddles101

Note: First fanfic ever...

**Chapter 1 **

**No rest for the wicked**

_Four years later..._

Cal was standing at the same spot he was four years ago – in front of Gill's empty grave. Although after several months FBI was able to track down the place where she had been held and after several more months - Kyle Partridge, serial killer and fucking bastard responsible for her death, Gill's body had never been recovered. Kyle was killed during the arrest a long before it was possible to question him. Call couldn't care less about the fact that the monster had died, but he had hoped that one day they would be able to burry Gill properly. He wasn't much of a believer in higher powers and all that crap, never had been and after everything that happened to Gill he had no faith at all, but he believed that Gill deserved closure. Actually she deserved more that, but it was the only thing that he could actually provide. The thought that her body was left somewhere in the woods for animals to feast or tossed in some dumpster like some garbage no one cared about gave him nausea. This unfinished business had kept him sane all these years.

Cal's life had been downward spiral from that day on. He hadn't been able to overcome the feeling of guilt. Everyone who kept saying that time heals lied. Time didn't heal. It only made matters worse. He kept reliving the last week of Gill's life over and over again. Kept seeing her taking last breath. Her life slipping away. Although for past weeks he didn't live in the denial anymore, he still couldn't embrace the truth, couldn't live with it. Still couldn't let her go and say goodbye.

The sky was dark, northern wind was blowing remaining leaves from the trees and on top of it all, like on the funeral day, it began to rain. It started with a couple of droplets, like tears from the sky, but soon it began to pour. Out of nowhere a thought _angel's tears_ came into his mind. He knew that if his angel was looking over him and what he had become, she would be crying.

The cemetery was only place in the world he could find some sort of solitude, sort of peace, although he knew it didn't make much sense. Nevertheless being there soothed him.

After funeral he drank, he drank himself to oblivion and to make matters worse he couldn't or wouldn't stop. It was only when he had passed out, his demons stopped haunting him. The guilt and self loathing with time was only stronger and he kept reaching for the bottle like child for his safety blanket. At the beginning his was missing the work, Emily unable to influence his behaviour went to live with Zoe and later – to the college. He tried his best to stay sober, to be a good father and keep leading the company. But returning to work was too hard – he saw her everywhere, kept wandering in her office hoping to meet her there, kept seeing her in the lab or in the corridor. Her smile, her humour and kind words followed him everywhere. He didn't need high resolution video to see her – she was always there. And truth to be told, those where his lucky moments. But then reality crashed and he remembered. He remembered that because of him she was only plot of his imagination. And then his demons - guilt and self loathing were back stronger than before, never letting him go.

Torres and even Locker had tried to talk to him, tried to help, but he had ruefully pushed them away. He pushed away everyone who dared to come too close to him. He had never been good with his temper, but now he was hurting and it was ten times worse. He was lashing out on anyone and anytime, especially day after he had nightmares, that began to inflate his dreams with scary frequency. To deal with it he went for an easy way out - booze and oblivion. Off course it all had big impact on his work. The firm some time continued running even when he didn't show up, but it didn't last long. And mostly it again was his fault – he heavily blew several FBI cases and showing up in meetings with potential clients completely drunk gained him really bad reputation. But the worst came when he accused state senator of conspiracy and called him lying son of the bitch in front of the live media. First one leaving sinking ship was Locker. But soon after Ria and other of his staff members followed. And again – who could really blame them. Who could put up with his outbursts and incoherent behaviour? Unfortunately he knew the answer to that one. There had been only one person in the world that could. Who wouldn't leave his side no matter what. Who wasn't afraid to stand up to him and make her point even when it was followed by the outburst of his wrath...

For first time in years he had stayed sober for whole week. Like always it was Emily, who had managed to get to him. It was the first day he remembered quite clearly. He woke up in the hospital with Emily sitting right beside him. Latter he found out he had started a fight in the bar with two men from some gang. It was sheer luck he was still breathing.

Emily's face was puffed from crying and once she saw him moving she was momentarily beside him, looking with her big brown eyes straight into his soul "I thought I lost you too" she was rambling. He could see in her expression and hear in her voice complete and utter fear, something he had noted only once in his life – the time when she came in the room and saw final feed they received with Gillian. The one that captured her death, the one that still haunted him.

"I know you feel guilty over Gillian, but dad, I loved her too, we all loved her and killing yourself won't bring her back. I need you – I need my father back..." she kept rambling with her head on his chest, her hot tears moistening his gown. He knew he had been selfish and hadn't paid much attention to the outside world, completely lost in his pain. But he had shut his daughter out, the closest person he had in the world. He had hurt her and the realisation of his past actions and their consequences came on him like wave of tsunami. He had obligations to his daughter that he had neglected. He knew how much it hurt to lose someone dear and feel responsible for it. He couldn't make Emily live through it. He had to make a grip on his life, had to change his ways and most of all – have to start amend all of his wrongdoings. Except one, that he couldn't change, but he had to learn to live with it. Just had to.

Now almost a week later he was still determined to keep his promise to Emily and change. And to do it he needed some time away from this city, where everything reminded him of Gillian. He and Emily had agreed that he will go to the cabin in mountains to start on his book and hopefully the change of scenery will help him get better. She promised to visit him after a month and spend some quality time together – something they haven't done for a long time, too long. He came here today hoping to say goodbye, but standing here he understood how futile his efforts were. He was not ready to let go, not jet. He wowed to himself that he will stick to his promise and will work hard to put his life back on the track, but he was not ready to let Gillian go. Whenever his demons resurfaced, he focused on good memories and tried his best to block last week of her life out of his mind. Cal was not a religious man, but today he prayed. He prayed for Gill, that she had found some peace in death. He prayed for forgiveness. He prayed for strength to keep his promise to Emily and prayed that his daughter would never experience the true horrors of this world, the darkness that lurked right besides in shadows, the horridness that people are capable of.


	3. Chapter 2 Going insane?

**A long way home**

Author: Cuddles101

Note: First fanfic ever...

**Chapter 2 **

**Going insane?**

The change of scenery had really helped him. The beauty of the mountains and peaceful atmosphere did a lot good to his fried nerves. Although one could argue that the place he chose was far from the best. It was near the location where Gill had died. But somehow it worked. In his own twisted way he found some solace here.

Cal still suffered from nightmares and every time he started to dwell on the past guilt and regret came, but he did his best to keep himself in frames. Most of the time he worked on his new book, that helped a great deal to keep mind occupied.

The nightmares still plaguing his dreams were the worst part – especially the ones where he was right besides Gill still unable to prevent her suffering, to save her from the psychopath. In worst case scenario he became her tormentor, it was him, who taunted, tortured and finally killed her. From those he woke up completely soaked, heart beating in his ears with such force, he thought it will explode. Only way how to deal with them was to keep focusing on good times he and Gill had spent together, recalling their lightly flirtiest banter, interesting debates over a case or some peaceful evening spent together after hard day. Even from her grave she still had the ability to comfort him.

Other than that he was doing quite well. Work was steady progress, he liked the pace he had set for himself and found some happiness in doing routine chores. He had been in the city for several times. To call it an actual city would be overstatement of the year. It was actually one street with several shops, a hospital and a school. Nothing major - the overall population was less than five thousand. It was one of those places where neighbours knew each other and snooping into other person's private life was as common occupation as cooking. He already was quite famous in the town – first time he went to the shop one of the lady costumers had recognized him and frantically began to cream _"AAA... OMG, Edna, come here, you won't believe who is here... He is even sexier in the life"_.

Before he knew what struck him, half of the shop was closing on him almost to the point where he began to fear for his life. And that was the story how he got to know half of the city in one afternoon. Although going back to the town wasn't his top choice for leisure, he had to do it. Emily was coming soon and he had to get food for the next week. So he braced himself and started engine. How bad could it get?

Soon he found out, that his initial fear was justified. It was like town was waiting for his arrival, at least he felt that way. Finally he ended up in a chair behind a table signing autographs to the left and right for what seemed like eternity. Previous Cal would already manage to pull some tantrum and skip this. But he had made a promise to be more polite and kind to people. It was least he could do to honour Gills memory. Kindness was her natural gift and he missed it dearly.

Although he tried his best to deal with his temper, he was bored beyond belief. The two ladies he met when he visited the town before had apparently appointed themselves as heads of his "fan club". For the moment they were really actively blocking him from both sides of the table and annoying him great deal, because you don't have to be an expert in facial expressions or body language to see blunt and direct flirt and lust that was waived in his direction.

At least they were pretty. The blond named Claire used to be a model, before moving here. Her dark haired friend Edna had not only good looks, but was quite intelligent as she worked as a lawyer or at least legal advisor in the local firm. He had heard their life stories on the first day, but he had to admit he hadn't really listened. Previous Cal would have jumped in bed with one or even both of them without second thought. But it all was a past. Now he found he wasn't even remotely interested and didn't try to hide it. Off course that had worked only to his disadvantage so far, because more unreachable he was, more interest he sparkled in the local mass of woman.

Cal was getting tired of all the attention he got and even more than slightly annoyed of his two lady friends and their lame attempts to get a date. At one point he even started to muse whether offering them both threesome would finally grant him some peace. At least for now they were engaged in conversations with others. He sighed lifting his eyes to the next autograph eager fan and suddenly froze. The shock he felt was so utter that he was left completely frozen, staring wide eyed at the person in front of him_. _

Cascade of emotions ran through his head that left him feeling completely out of time and space. He couldn't even hear the loud murmur of voices around him. "_I guess I'm finally loosing it"_ was his only coherent thought. Right in front of him with the same blue eyes, calm and kind smile stood the woman he thought he had lost forever. There, on the other side of the table stood a bit shy, but still gorgeous Gillian with his book in her outstretched hand. He knew his face reflected all the emotions he felt and was completely unable to hide. She looked him straight in the eye with those expressive ice blue eyes that revealed nothing, but kind-heartedness. Seeing the cascade of emotions running through his face, her expression changed to a surprised one and then it focused on his face. He would know that look everywhere – she was trying to read him, to understand the reason of the sudden change in his demeanour. But as much as Cal tried to see it, he couldn't find any trace of recognition in her eyes – just curiosity and a bit of amusement.

It was like a spell was cast upon them. This silent communication was as loud and clear as any spoken words. Some part of Cal's subconscious was trying to reach to him, saying that there was something wrong with the picture, but Cal was too shocked to even try to listen. All of that had taken no more than mere seconds, but to him it was like eternity. Completely automatically his hand reached for the open book and he signed it, his eyes never leaving woman in front of him. Suddenly conscious of his scrutiny she lowered her gaze and looked at the table. He stretched his hand with the book in it up for her to take, but as she reached out, he strengthened hold on it and didn't let go thus forcing her gaze at him.

She lifted her gaze from the table and stared straight into his eyes with clear, warm and genuine look, softly saying _"thank you"_. It was clear that she was uncomfortable under his intensive gaze, but still held it and didn't back down, curiosity clearly marked on her face. They just kept staring at each other like they were the only people left in whole universe, until the spell was broken. Someone called out his name and Cal just for a second turned his head, but when his eyes darted back to the spot where just a second ago he had seen her, she was gone.

Unable to find the ground under his feet Cal sat completely frozen. The woman definitely didn't show any signs, indicating she had known him for better part of the last decade, but it was her voice that whispered _"thank you"_, it was her face, her eyes and her warm smile.

The naughty little voice inside his head still screamed at him that he was missing something, something very important. Was it just a plot of his imagination? Was his mind playing tricks with him? Off course he had seen her in his mind eye before, especially clear when he was drunk. But this time was different. It was so real, too real.

Cal pinched himself to make sure he wasn't dreaming - it hurt. It was not a dream. And with that he felt a rush of the adrenalin crashing his limbs and found himself able to move again, as he leaped up trying to pinpoint her in the crowd that was gathering in front of his desk._ "Stop her, where did she go?"_ he shouted.

"_Where who go?"_ asked Claire from his right, for the moment turning from her conversation with elderly gentleman.

"_The woman I just signed book to. Who is she?"_

"_What woman, you silly thing. Come, I want you to meet..."_ but Cal didn't listen. He pushed past Claire, almost knocking down the elderly gentlemen she was speaking to and surfed through the crowd desperately trying to find her, but to no avail. It was like she had vanished into thin air. Maybe it WAS a trick of his imagination. He had so many times fantasized about a moment like this that maybe he really was going insane. The look in her eyes, her voice whispering gratitude. Cal called out her name and asked people around if they haven't seen Gill. No one seemed to notice her besides himself.

Either he was really loosing it or it was some kind of sick joke. But who would put a stunt like this on him, especially here? It didn't make sense. The alternative explanation wasn't really pleasant – he was slowly going insane. Those were the thoughts running through his mind while he desperately moved around. There was no trace of her even on the street.

Returning back inside Cal felt so shaken up, he didn't have the energy to deal with his fans. He questioned several people whether they have seen the woman who had just minutes ago been there, but no one had really paid attention. It wasn't so often people came together for some occasion, so everyone was really wrapped up in one or another conversation and he didn't found anyone useful. Cal was starting to doubt himself and therefore was afraid to really push the issue – if it really was just an imagination? It was definite way to the mental clinic and that was one place he didn't intend to get in, not now, not ever.

Feeling completely spent Cal quickly said some excuses and left in a big hurry, hoping that he could spot her somewhere on the street, if he drove around.

Cal had been driving around in his town car for more than two hours, but there was no sign of her. What if it wasn't a fantasy, maybe she had a twin sister she didn't knew about or it was her doppelganger. Everything was possible in this world. He continued to circle the streets, but it was still fruitless. As adrenaline wore off he began to feel completely devastated. If he was going to find her, he needed better plan. If she was real, someone in this town had to know her. Maybe he should try to show her picture around. The picture! How didn't he figure that before? Apparently the alcohol had left bigger affect on his brain capability that he thought. Cal rounded the corner and parked the car near the shop he was in before.

Damned, he had come to town only with some cash in the pocket. The wallet with her picture was back in the cabin. With no better idea on next actions and in serious doubts about his lucidity Cal put the gear in reverse and headed home. Maybe he was really loosing it. After all mental illness ran into his family.

Cal woke up in the middle of the night covered in sweat. In his dream he relived his earlier meeting with the woman who looked so much like Gill. It hadn't been a nightmare, but he still felt uneasy. It was like his mind tried to tell him something, something he was missing. The entire situation had left Cal with uneasy feeling. Unable to relax or go back to sleep, he stumbled up from the bed and headed to the kitchen. On his way he ran into the chair, hitting his leg and cursed. Maybe he should have switched on the light, but lately he felt more comfortable in the dark.

Finally he made his way and opened the fridge. The light from inside blinded him for a moment. Taking cartoon of orange juice he headed back to the bedroom, only stumbling into the bookshelf, knocking several DVD's on the floor. Cal crouched down and picked the upper one up. It was DVD of a movie A Beautiful Mind and he laughed humourlessly at the irony of it. He remembered famous phrase _"she never gets old"_ from it, that helped main character to finally embrace the fact that he suffered from paranoid schizophrenia and although people he "worked for" seemed real, they in fact were part of his hallucinations. She never gets old referred to one of his hallucinations, a girl who never changed, although years had passed. Never changed. Changes. The woman. Details he noticed before, but didn't gave too much thought to because of the shock, were now vivid before his eyes.

She had long dark hair. Gill had dust blond short haircut for the last decade. And there were old scars on her face – right across the cheek and above her right eyebrow. Such marks could be left by some straight, sharp object like knife or a scalpel. The scars were quite old and had healed, but apparently at the time they were not treated properly, because if stitched they would leave less visible prints. Furthermore, he remembered noticing that under makeup her lip was split and still a little swollen, like she had been punched in the face not so long ago, but had done her best to hide it. With his close scrutiny on her face he now remembered seeing shades of purple and blue below her left eye concealed under make-up, indicating healing hematoma. The swelling was down, but the prints were still there.

How he had missed it before? If the woman was only plot of his imagination, she would have looked exactly as he remembered her, as he had seen her before at least once in the lifetime. And Cal could swear with everything he held dear that he never before had seen these marks on her lovely face. It didn't make sense. Unless. His mind was working overtime, heart beating in his ears and hopes arising. No, he couldn't come up with other reasonable explanation. The only one that made sense was that she had to be real.


	4. Chapter 3 Going under…

_Sorry it took so long for update... If it weren't for your reviews and mails I wouldn't have gathered the courage to proceed... Thank you all..._

_Hope you will still find it interesting... _

**Chapter 3 **

**Going under...**

It was early morning. The sun was rising above horizon colouring mountains and lake in front of the cottage in amazing shades. Birds were singing in trees and light breeze swept over paradise like vista. Serenity of the scene was complete contradiction to the dark thoughts of a man sitting on lower steps of the porch.

Cal hadn't been able to go back to sleep and just before dawn had wandered outside. The air was a bit chilly, but the man was so wrapped in thoughts that he didn't notice it.

A can of worms was opened in his mind. Once unleashed memories came in cold, merciless waves burying him deep under.

He remembered that during that horrible week for the first time in his life he had prayed. He never had been much of a believer. As a scientist he opted for more rational explanations than simple faith.

Nevertheless, he had prayed with all his heart and soul. He prayed for whole ordeal to be just a nightmare he would wake up from. He prayed for Gill to be fine. He swore to always play safe and never provoke the fate, if only Gill returned safe and sound. Unfortunately his prays landed on deaf ears.

Unable to snap out, Cal was sucked even more deeply in the vortex of dark memories. He remembered everything. Every little detail. Every thought. Every feeling.

_xxx-xxx-xxx _

_4 years ago_

"Cal, listen for a second. Please!"

"No time luv, got to run. We still have to..."

"There is something wrong..."

"Jeez. You think? " he said sarcastically, hurrying down the lobby.

"Cal, I understand what you are feeling..."

"The hell you do!"

"Please listen to me"

"Not now" anger and impatience clearly visible in his tone.

"The pattern is wrong" Gill tried to catch up his pace "latest victim does not fall under his MO".

The last statement stopped him dead in his tracks. He turned around and faced Gillian, who almost bumped into him.

"She has a name, you know!" barely able to control his anger he shouted raising his arm in sharp impatient movement. Gill quickly stepped away, flash of fear followed by empathy and understanding crossed her eyes. Bloody hell! It was already second time this morning he had scared her. The realisation of it made Cal snap out of blind rage he was in. Anger was replaced with remorse about earlier 'almost accident' in his office. Nevertheless, he was way too rattled to be stopped.

"By killing Kate he wanted to draw my attention! And now he has it – 100 bloody percents" he said in lower voice, subdued anger audible in the pitch of his voice "I'm going after him. Period."

"I'm afraid there is more to it than meets the eye, but even more I'm afraid that this is exactly what he wants"

"Then that is exactly what he will get!"

"You are not rational. It is too personal for you"

"He made it personal"

"And you allow him to..."

"Don't you dare to go there Gill" he pushed in meaningful intimidating voice "I..."

Cal's cell began to ring interrupting him right in the middle of the sentence "Lightman... Yes... What?... Meet you there"

As he hung up, his face got ashen pallor.

"What is it?"

"One more girl reported missing..."

"I'll go with you"

"No. Stay. He is toying with me. It is safer if you stay..." out of the harm's way was left unsaid, but hung heavily in the air.

"Please listen to me..." Gill tried again, but her pleas landed on deaf ears. Cal abruptly turned around and hurried down the lobby. From the corner of his eye he saw her standing there – weary, shoulders down, sadness and defeat written all over her features. He felt bad for leaving her like that, but there was no time to lose. He would make up for it. Later.

It all began two weeks ago with arrest of Cris Mason, supposedly a serial killer, who according to the charges had tortured and killed at least fifteen women. The victims were not lonely hearts living in removed areas. On the contrary, all victims had a family, wide range of friends and active social life. Killer's main thrill was to kidnap victim from home with family, husband or friends just behind the wall. Soon after body was found, family received a video tape with last minutes of victim's life. All videos were home delivered. They were shot in black and white with no sound. The killer was never captured on the screen. All victims were close to death when the video was taken.

Although Mason confessed, there were problems with his profile. The forensic psychologists claimed that he was not able to conduct such sophisticated crimes. He was a psychopath; he most definitely was able to kill, but not to prepare and execute difficult plans. That is when Zoe called and asked Cal for help.

Already after first interview, Cal was more than sure that Mason was not the one they were looking for. The guy was psychopath. Clinically certified as a matter of fact, but he lacked intelligence, sophistication and ability to plan and adapt to different situations. Most probably he read about the killings in the newspaper and in his fantasy world was the hero of the saga. He was caught during what now was believed to be his first attempt of kidnapping. Putting it in one word – he was a copycat.

Against Gills warnings three days ago Cal publicly announced that the accused was the one they were looking for. That he matched the profile perfectly – emotionally weak, not very smart man, whose only chance of success with woman was to kill them. Off course this description had nothing to do with the actual profile. The intention was to rattle the real killer by taking off his glory, fame, aura of superiority and invincibility. Commonly total control over persons or the situation was main thrill and adrenaline for serial killings. It was the feeling of power, of superiority.

By humiliating the man publicly Cal had made himself prime target. He counted on the fact that the killer would go after him. It was a trap calculated on the fact that their man would slip and make mistakes. Furthermore, Cal wanted him focused on his target to avoid new crimes.

The FBI didn't approve it, but after Cal made public announcement, there was no going back.

Gill had seen it coming. She had known that Cal will do something reckless and dangerous even before he knew himself. It was the look in his eyes, the way he had worked over case files and pictures of dead girls. In a way it was understandable; many of them were not much older than his Emily.

Gill had reasoned, argued, begged, convinced him, but nothing worked. She had looked over all cases together with him, mostly concentrating on the analyses of the video tapes. In her opinion the guy was way too unpredictable and sophisticated to fall for such a simple trap.

This morning, only three days after Cal's announcement, police had anonymous tip and found body of 16 year old Kate Dunnings. Her unmistakable resemblance to Emily was the reason Cal had lost it this morning.

One glimpse at the picture faxed to them by the FBI was enough to make him nuts.

Cal didn't remember grabbing the paper holder and throwing it at the bookshelf. Only the shuttering of the glass and gasp of shock coming from Gillian brought him back to reality. It took several seconds to realise that his arm had almost collided with Foster's face. If it hadn't been for her quick reaction, at very best she would have ended up with blue eye. The truth was he never saw her moving around the table and stopping right behind his back. It was not an excuse, just a mere fact.

She didn't say anything, initial fear he saw in her face was quickly replaced with compassion. It made Cal feel even worse. Without a word she moved closer to him and offered so desperately needed support in a form of home-felt hug.

On his way out Cal contemplated next moves. Zoe and Emily were under 24/7 surveillance in secure location.

Gill was in the office.

They all were safe.

He was the only possible target and that was precisely what he wanted.

_xxx-xxx-xxx _

The second part of the morning was not better than the beginning. Conversation with distressed parents was never a pleasant experience. Considering that most probably next time they will see their daughter will be post-mortem left bad taste almost bordering to physical illness. There was nothing more to be done on the spot.

Missing girl – Amy Rodgers was 25 years old student and looked nothing like Emily, but she hit profile as general characteristics were similar to previous victims. She was socially active, had a lot of friends and a boyfriend. She went missing during practice, when a lot of people were around. Off course no one saw anything unusual.

On his way out Cal checked his voicemail. There were no incoming calls. Some unexplainable feeling of forbidding gnawed at him for last fifteen minutes. His gut told him that something was wrong. Tapping phone with fingers he pushed speed dial one. After two rings Emily picked up. She sounded happy and Cal released the breath he unknowingly was holding.

Although the conversation was brief, Emily was more than sure that her father was concealing something. Nevertheless, she was a clever girl and knew that now was not the time to push him.

Call to Emily had helped to relief some of the tension, but that gnawing feeling was still there. He blamed it to the shock of the morning and pictures of Kate.

Cal was headed to the car. He wanted to stop by the office before meeting with agent Maxwell. Walking to the car he impatiently toyed with the phone.

Despite the fact that he was headed back to the office, Call decided to call to Gill. Just hearing her voice always helped. She had that calming effect on him.

Cal pushed speed dial number two. The rings were heard on other side. No response. Crap! Hitting redial he impatiently drummed fingers on the door top of his car. No response. Where she could have gone?

He dialled office.

After two rings Heidi picked up "Lightman Group. How may I assist you?"

"Where is Gill?"

"Dr. Lightman. Hello. There is a ..."

"Cut it" he raised his voice, panic began to build in the pit of his stomach "where is Gill?"

"She left some 20 minutes ago. Said she has to meet you"

Cal paled, rapid heartbeat thundering in his eardrums. NO! No, No, No! Dear God, please no! He had not contacted the office or anybody as a matter of fact. Bloody hell! He wouldn't have asked Gill to leave the office alone.

"Go after her! Send everyone - NOW!" Cal yelled in the receiver.

"What..."

"Do as told. I will call the police!" Cal yelled and hung up. Cold sweat rolled down his spine as he dialled the number of detective Maxwell. After brief conversation during which he informed that Gill was missing, he hopped in the car and sped off; praying that it all was just a major misunderstanding.

_xxx-xxx-xxx _

After that things turned into absolute nightmare. Nightmare he was not able to wake up from. Events of the following days were blurred together in his mind. Actual was mixed with wishful. Terror with guilt. Even after four years Cal was not sure which memories were real and which came from his tortured guilty conscience.

Gill's car was in the parking lot of the building. She never made it thus far. Her bag with cell phone and wallet was found on the stairs near the exit to the parking.

She had said that she is on her way to meet Cal and that was the last time anyone had seen her.

Cal's mind kept returning to the morning when he had seen her. Damned!

He had left her standing in the hallway - shoulders down, sadness and defeat written all over her features. Before that he had almost hit her - twice. Dwelling on these memories didn't help, but they just kept coming back to haunt him. Their last encounter was unpleasant and it was his fault. Besides she tried to warn him. She had said that the killer is too smart for their trap and was right. Instead of listening to the voice of reason Cal had seen in red. Especially after body of Kate was found.

He wanted the son of the bitch dead, castrated and dead. He hadn't been rational. Moreover, he hadn't anticipated such a bold act in a broad daylight. It was his fault Gill's life was in danger!

Cal hadn't left the office. Against all odds he held to the hope that it was just a major misunderstanding. That the woman he admired, secretly loved and held dear was all right.

His mind replayed conversation they had in the hospital, after Paul's attack during Jenkins case:

"_I'm sorry, luv"_

"_He wouldn't have gone this far unless you were under his skin"_

"_Not worth it"_

"_You get hit and it is ok. I get hit and suddenly it is time to throw the towel?"_

The truth was he really was ready to drop the towel then. The attack had frightened him more that he cared to admit. "What ifs" came back to haunt him – what if I was a minute later, what if attacker had killed her, what if... No truth in the world was worth Gillian's life.

How he could have been so stupid? Why did he leave her unprotected?

The fact that she had been in the office full of people in broad day light and that no one, not even the FBI anticipated such a bold move somehow flipped his mind.

The police analysed Gill's cell and work phone. There were no calls from external or unknown numbers. Last dial traced to Cal's cell. It was made last evening. There were no suspicious incoming or outgoing mails and Heidi said that she had not passed any notes to Gill. She also confirmed that from the time he left till her departure there were no visitors.

Gill was intelligent. Moreover, she was the best voice expert in the world. She knew Cal better than he knew himself. How the kidnapper had contacted her was a mystery, but how the hell he had convinced her that he was Cal or that he was delivering message from Cal was entirely unexplainable.

_xxx-xxx-xxx _

Two days later they received first video tape. It was in the pile together with morning mail. Once he saw ominous black box, Cal froze. He knew too well what it meant.

Locker contacted the FBI and till their arrival everyone avoided it like it was contagious.

For whole twenty minutes that were needed for FBI to get there Cal hadn't moved. He hadn't even as much as blinked. It was like time had stopped and he was captured in the moment forever. No one around dared to shake him out of it, afraid of the consequences.

Maxwell and his team arrived and took the tape to the lab. As it turned out later like always there were no prints or other DNA samples.

Once the tape was taken, Cal silently turned around and went to his office. Through open doors Torres and Locker could see that he sat on the corner of his desk with vacant expression on his face, silent tears running down his cheeks. One didn't have to be a facial expression specialist to know raw feelings written all over his face. Guilt. Despair. Pain. Above it all - DENIAL.

Torres and Locker had known him to rant and rave for hours, but this silent retreat really scared them. Only one hour later when agent Maxwell arrived with a copy of the tape they learned that the video was of Gill, but she was alive. She was alive!

Maxwell said that the tape was processed by profilers. They needed to figure why killer had changed his modus operandi. The meeting took place in Cal's office. At first Cal just sat there without any reaction to the news and Locker mostly asked the questions to the agent, but suddenly Cal jumped from his seat, grabbed the tape and headed to the lab. Only Torres, who closely monitored Cal's expressions, understood sudden change. She saw revelation, hope, and finally – determination. His mind had finally comprehended the idea that Gillian was indeed alive. If Gill was alive, there was still a chance. No time to waste. Gill depended on them, on him. He would not let her down - ever.

Unfortunately the tape didn't give any clues. It was ten minutes long footage in black and white. No sound. The camera itself didn't change the location. It was fixed, presumably on some solid surface or stand.

The room was dark, only light coming from several slowly burning candles. There were no windows. Most probably it was a basement. Like in previous videos sent to the families of victims, the kidnapper never showed himself.

Clip started showing a person lying on a filthy mattress in the corner of the room. Cal didn't need closer look or additional light to momentarily recognise familiar curves of his partner. The same image kept rolling on for several minutes and then zoomed in a way that the focus was on the body. It was Gillian.

Although not tied, she didn't move. Silent rise and fall of her chest was clear indication that she was alive. If it wasn't for grotesque background, one could assume that she had taken a nap. Her face relaxed. Posture looked somewhat comfortable. Apparently the kidnapper had taken his time to display her. Considering circumstances it didn't make a sense. There was no way Gill would just fall asleep so peacefully while being in the hands of a madman.

Then it hit him – drugs. She was drugged. Now it all made perfect sense. Even if she woke up, the after-effects of whatever he had pumped her with would make her slow and unfocused. It would give enough time to subdue her. Damned!

Cal tried his best to overcome his feelings and find some clues that might be helpful. With each passing second it became more difficult. Nevertheless, he tried his best to stay focused.

For full five minutes the clip just kept rolling. Not even a slightest change. Then it suddenly zoomed in again. Gillian's face was all over the screen. It was so close that literally even smallest twitch was visible.

After several seconds they saw what the killer had seen. Her eyelids twitched, then again. After three minutes Gill opened them a little bit. It was not much, but enough to see that Cal had been right. Whites of her eyes were bloodshot, pupils dilated, vision unfocused. She blinked several times. Suddenly she jerked her head in a sharp move and opened her eyes fully. She looked like a deer trapped in car lights, wide eyed, dazzled and confused. Apparently the little light that was in the room was enough to make her head spin.

She did her best to focus. Something above the camera had caught her attention. Her eyes slowly came into focus, fear that radiated from her changed to utter terror and she screamed.

Although they didn't hear the actual sound, the intensity of her emotions and facial expressions was enough to have permanently engraved mental picture.

The tape stopped.

Room was silent. No one said a word.

Even Locker, who always had something to say, stood completely speechless.

No one dared to look at Cal.


	5. Chapter 4 Between a rock and hard place

**Chapter 4 **

**Between a rock and a hard place**

There were no demands, no other communication than the tapes. That's right – tapes. Now they had two of them.

Mere fact that there was more than one of those didn't fit the profile. In all previous cases grieving relatives received one tape where the victim's death was captured. The only reasonable explanation was that this time it was personal. Cal had made it personal. Still it was more a guess than conclusion backed up with case statistics or theory of behavioural analyses.

Sad fact was that the delivery was not traceable. The second tape just turned up. The courier could not explain how it was received. It was never registered, but was on delivery schedule anyway. Employees of the courier service were checked and interviewed, but thus far it had been fruitless. The guy had been too smart to drop the tape to a location where a video monitoring was in place.

Gill was abducted six days ago. Still there was not even slightest trace of her whereabouts. Not even a tiniest lead.

Only confirmation that she was alive was the tape. Actually this statement was only partially true. If being precise correct conclusion was that she was alive on the tape. Second conclusion was that they had not received a tape where she was killed.

Overall mood was depressing. Mere fact that they didn't have THAT tape didn't mean that she was alive. Furthermore, experience showed that previous victims were killed three, tops four days after kidnapping. Like invisible ghosts these thoughts roamed the office. No one wanted to say them out loud, especially in a hearing distance of Cal Lightman.

Cal was complete different story. He had convinced himself that Gillian was alive. Simple as that. Faith kept him driven. Somehow this desperate jet commanding hope was contagious.

He had not left the office since day one. Haven't shaved or had a proper meal, not to mention hot shower or full night sleep. The man was functioning on pure stubbornness, adrenaline and desperation. Sitting in the lab for days he had viewed and reviewed the tapes trying to find some clue, the slightest hint, but it all was to no avail. No sound to analyse. No objects with reflections. The kidnaper never entered the screen. Not even his shadow was visible. Nothing. Nul. Nada. Although he would never admit it aloud, Cal was on a brink of breakdown.

Zoe and Emily were still under 24/7 protection. Even rest of his staff members were monitored by the police for time being. Just to be on the safe side.

If only he could find something they missed before.

Cal pushed repeat.

In the second tape Gill was unconscious and drugged. Again. Only this time instead of being positioned on a mattress, she was in the middle of the room tied to a chair. Lit candles around formed a circle. If they had not known better, some ritualistic meaning could have been attributed. The image rolled for two minutes. Then the camera zoomed in and stayed focused on Gill's face, mercilessly showing all the prints there. Split lip, black and blue bruising had made her eye swollen almost shut. Her appearances completely contradicted to her relaxed expression.

As previously, just before the end she woke startled, disoriented, shaken and clearly dizzy. Again she looked right above the camera. Utter terror and sheer pain reflected in her huge bloodshot eyes radiated bone chilling waves through the screen, but she didn't cream. She didn't scream!

Cal was not sure he ever wanted to know why.

_xxx-xxx-xxx _

On seventh day another tape came. The fatal one. The one that made everyone's blood freeze. The one that sent Cal Lightman over the edge.

Already the first seconds of the clip were different. This time camera was in motion and not fixed like before.

For few seconds dancing flame of a candle covered the screen. Then camera moved away and whole candle together with background came into focus. It stood on the floor right at the base of the wall. Camera was in motion again, showing panorama of at least twenty lit candles situated in a neat row down the wall. Shifting light of candles, the way the camera slowly moved alongside the wall focusing from one candle to the next gave a creepy feeling. Almost agonisingly slow camera moved away from the wall and focused on the floor in such a close range that only blur was visible.

Silence in the lab was deafening and the fear almost palpable. Everyone literally hold their breath. It felt like a moment in horror movie just before killer jumps out of the closet.

One, two, three minutes passed before camera slowly moved forward, screen showed same blurred image. Only difference was colour. The spot now was darker than before.

Four. Five. Six minutes. Almost unwillingly focus sharpened and a drop of dark liquid came into view. Gently camera traced it up to a pool of liquid in same dark shade. The consistence left little doubt as to what they were looking at. Blood! A lot of blood!

With no regard to viewers distress camera mercifully continued the journey. Side of the mattress they had seen in the first video came into view, only now it was covered with white cloth. It was some sort of cerecloth as it didn't absorb the liquid, but allowed it freely flow down to the floor. Although everyone anticipated what was about to come, no one was ready for what they saw when whole picture was revealed.

Gill lay on the cerecloth covered mattress only in her underwear. Her right arm rested in a strange angle, plainly indicating that it was fractured if not broken. Small but deep incisions inflicted all over her ghostly pale body were slowly bleeding.

Crimson liquid in contrast to deadly white body, dark shadows opposed to flickering candlelight, white against black, life against death. It all together gave impression of twisted and sick form of art.

No major organs or arteries were harmed, but the size of the pool spoke volumes. She had been left bleeding for quite a while.

Camera zoomed in, slowly moving over oozing cuts and gashes, starting from her slender legs and going all the way up to her torso, chest, neck and finally stopped on her face. She was weak and dizzy, eyes disoriented and several silent tears were sliding down her cheeks. Her cracked lips were smeared with the dark liquid. It was beyond sick. Silent gasps of horror audible in the lab.

Gill's face was all over the screen. She was barely conscious, fatigue draining last reserves of her energy. Pain and despair as well as acceptance and most of all – determination were on her face. It was clear that she had accepted her fate, nevertheless her stubbornness kicked in full force. She would not scream, would not beg for her life. Even if it was the last thing she did, and all indicated that it was, she would not give her tormentor this satisfaction. She refused to break down.

Suddenly her expression changed. Became more focused, cleared. She had spotted the red light of the camera and with major effort slightly turned her head.

Gill looked into the objective with such intensity, that it went right through Cal's veins. Sharp dagger cut deep into his heart. Instantly her previous emotions were replaced with genuine worry and deep, unrestricted, unconditional love. Cal froze. The dagger he felt before went deeper, literally tearing his heart apart. That was message for him.

She knew that Cal would be the one to watch. She knew what he would feel. The worry was not for herself, but for him. It was as clear as she had spoken out aloud. She didn't need to be by his side or read his expressions to know what was going on in that brilliant mind of his.

Her breathing became more laboured. All consuming darkness was beginning to win the battle, but she was not ready to give up yet. Barely conscious she gathered remaining bits of her strength and mouthed: "Can't fight, forgive u self".

In her short message she had managed to say so much. That it was not his fault. That she didn't blame him and he shouldn't either. She tried to encourage Cal to find some peace, to move on. Even now she cared more for others. It was so... Gillian. Unmasked love still lingered in her eyes. After decade of cat and mouse games, of hiding behind visible and invisible lines, work and other excuses they so efficiently invented, she finally was 'saying loud' what they both knew was truth. No more lies. No more pretence.

The dagger in Cal's chest was replaced with high-speed saw that chopped remains of his heart in small pieces. The world outside the screen ceased to exist. He was lost in her gaze.

Gill's eyes became glassy, breathing slowed and then stopped. She didn't breathe! The camera continued rolling. She didn't breathe! Minute passed. She didn't breathe!

The screen went black.

Complete shock ruled the lab. No one was ready to acknowledge what had just happened. Time stood still.

No one knew how much time had passed when deadly silence was interrupted by agonising, primal scream of madness. The bones chilling sound echoed throughout the building. Next was thunderous sound of shattering glass.

Cal had smashed the chair through the glass window that separated lab from the lobby. His face ash grey, expression blank, eyes vacant, hands shaking. He looked like a man who had just lost his footing, as the floor had been kicked from underneath his feat, and falling down in abyss of hopelessness and madness.

Next moment his body's self-defence mechanism kicked in. Barely controlling his reflexes he ran to the bathroom, leaned over the toilet bowl and heavily threw up.

After that he collapsed on the floor in violent sobs and his mind went black.

He had never asked, never tried to find out what had happened later that day. He never cared.

During the investigation inconsistencies were found in the profile of the killer, that were analysed, some vague leads were followed, but Cal didn't care.

For the first time in his life truth didn't matter.

Even the death of that monster – Kyle Partridge didn't bring him any peace of mind.

He had played with fire.

He had tried to take candy from a madman.

Instead the madman had taken away his lifeline.

Cal knew that it was his own fault that Gillian was dead.

Now four years later sitting on a porch of the cabin Cal was asking himself whether there really was a chance that she didn't die, that she was alive.

_xxx-xxx-xxx _

The morning was busy. After his trip through the memory lane Cal had spun into action. He had contacted Torres who now worked for the FBI and asked her to send him Gill's case file. He had faxed Foster's picture to the office of the local sheriff with a request to check whether woman matching her description was registered in local community. He had left voice message to the detective Maxwell. He had driven around the town with her picture, asking people on the street whether they had seen the woman. All of his efforts so far had not produced any results.

It was late afternoon when he pulled the car in front of the house. He was never a patient man and this uncertainty just drove him bonkers. Was he chasing a ghost or a woman of flesh and blood? Was he going insane?

Sharp ring of the phone startled him. He jumped and accidentally cut his right palm with a hand knife he unknowingly was holding. Crap! He didn't even remember picking up the damned thing. He clearly was more tuned out than he was ready to admit.

It was Emily. She sounded happy. Just hearing her voice took some edge of Cal's mood off. She was telling him about some event that happened in the college she was excited about. While on the phone Cal wandered to the kitchen looking for a towel or napkin he could use to apply the pressure on the wound. The cut was deep and nasty. As much as he tried to apply pressure the bleeding didn't stop.

Cal kept his mouth shut about Gillian. He didn't want to worry or upset Emily. At least not until more concrete evidence of her being alive was at his hand. That or definite proof that he was nuts. Either way it was his quest for now. His alone.

They talked for at least ten more minutes. For most of it Cal had managed to hide the distress he was feeling from his voice. Even if Emily had sensed that something was wrong, she didn't call him on that and he was grateful.

Once he hung up full attention was back to his palm. Taking off bloodied towel he looked at the wound. Whether he wanted it or not, he definitely needed a couple of stitches. There was no point in bleeding to death in the kitchen or get some infection. Such death, especially self inflicted would definitely rank at the top for the Darwin award. Even considering all his foolish acts in the past he was not there yet. So he took another towel from the cupboard and put it as a tourniquet to the wound, took the car keys from the counter and headed to the hospital.

There was no way the day could get more screwed up as it already was.

Strangely enough he remembered this insignificant afterthought hours later when he finally was left alone. Steady beeping surrounding him in the dark room only facilitated migraine that was developing from the base of his temples.

Boy, had he been wrong...

How in the God's name everything had gotten so twisted and wrong?


	6. Chapter 5 Coincidence or fate?

**Chapter 5 **

**Coincidence or fate?**

One hour! One bloody hour! That was how long Cal had been stuck in the lobby of the ER.

Luckily bleeding in his palm had stopped. Pressure applied with makeshift tourniquet had done its trick. Nevertheless, the situation was aggravating. He hated hospitals. He hated waiting. Above all he hated waiting in the hospital.

Cal had contemplated leaving, but constant sting in his palm and bloodied towel reminded of the unpleasant sight underneath. Sight that required at least several stitches. Furthermore, he reasoned, it would be stupid to just leave after he had lost so much time already.

Feel that he needed to be out there, that he should actively look for the woman whom until recently he had considered lost forever, and not sit his ass on comfortless chair in a waiting room full of sick people only added fuel to his easily irritable temper.

Young, dark haired guy in a white coat approached him "Mr Lightman?"

"Yes"

"I'm sorry you had to wait for so long. I'm Dr Mann, please follow me"

Before Cal managed to fully get up from the chair he occupied, grab his jacket and come up with some smartass remark about the quality of the services, the front doors of the ER burst open and team of paramedics rushed in pushing a gurney. They were followed by several police officers. Right at the doors they were intercepted by hospital staff.

The wheels of the gurney left bloodied trails as it was pushed forward.

Voice of the paramedic, reporting on the initial vitals became louder, as they were getting closer to where Cal was.

"White female. Gunshot wound to the abdomen approximately ten minutes ago. Lost consciousness immediately. We lost her pulse roughly two minutes ago. Breathing and compressions..."

As the gurney rushed by, Cal turned his head around and amid moving limbs of the medical staff caught a glimpse of the deadly pale unconscious woman bleeding from the open wound in the abdomen.

He saw her face only for a millisecond, but that was all it took for Cal to age for at least ten years.

Pale and covered in own blood there laid woman he was looking for. The one he saw yesterday. The one who never left his mind. The one he thought he had lost forever.

It was Gillian.

"Hey, Carlos, clear trauma room two!" one of the doctors, rushing down the hall alongside the gurney, shouted.

Cal spun into action. Cold fear gripped his heart as he ran after departing group. His own injury forgotten. The whole world forgotten. Only one thought repeating in his mind "don't lose her".

Although irrational, it spoke volumes. He was afraid that if he as little as blinked, she would be evaporate in thin air. Just like a day before, but this time forever.

As he reached the cart, it was turned to the side and pushed through open doors of examination room. He tried to follow, but gently although very firmly was stopped by a nurse.

"I'm sorry sir. You have to wait outside."

"But..."

"Please sir, wait outside"

Closing doors slammed into his face. Next moment they swung open again as another nurse rushed out and sped down the hallway.

Through closing doors he heard overlapping voices of the medical staff:

"Two of O-neg on the infuser"

"On my count..."

"No breath sounds on the left..."

"Dorris chest tube. John, subclavian..."

The doors closed. Cal moved away from the doors and leaning against opposite wall slid down to the floor.

After a while same sympathetic nurse came out and approached Cal.

"Are you a family?"

"Yes. Husband" he lied without hesitation rising up from the floor.

"The bullet went through, no fragments, which is good. Also no vital organs damaged. But there has been some pretty serious internal bleeding, which is why condition is considered serious. Several minutes ago we sent her up for the surgery. Let me walk you to the waiting room."

The expression on Cal's face was so forlorn that nurse quickly added: "Your wife is a fighter. She will pull through. You'll see."

_xxx-xxx-xxx _

Kind nurse, whose name as it turned out was Betty, not only walked Cal to the waiting area of the surgical block, but also cleaned and stitched his palm he had completely forgotten about. She had this quiet, calm, but commanding demeanour that even Cal was not able to resist. Not that he tried too hard anyway.

Cal was sitting completely alone in a huge sunny room, full of empty chairs meant for relatives and family members, trying to deal with the mess in his head. He felt beyond lost. Relief mixed with despair and worry, hope with fear. It was a myriad of emotions that were hard to comprehend let alone explain. Everything had happened so fast. Way too fast.

"Mind if I join you?"

Cal looked up and saw a middle aged man in FBI windbreaker standing right in front of him.

"Actually I do" Cal gave a bit too harsh reply. Look in the man's eyes clearly indicated it was not just a polite encounter. The man was here to gain information.

What the fuck the FBI wanted with him at this very moment was beyond Cal. Either way he was not interested.

Several moments later his tortured mind managed to connect the dots. Off course! He had seen this man before. He was one of the men accompanying paramedics when Gill was brought in.

Disregarding Cal's reply the man sat down in opposite chair and continued as if they were already engaged in a conversation "How do you know the woman?"

The choice of words seemed a bit weird. 'Woman' instead of 'victim' or 'her'. Clearly audible contempt emphasised pronouncing the last word. Cal also noticed that the agent didn't introduce himself or the unit he represented.

"She is my best friend and my partner."

The eyebrows of inspector catapulted rocket high "Partner in what?"

"We had a business together"

"What kind of business?" It was not the question per se that finally got Cal's attention. It was the disdainful tone and underlying scorn he noticed again. Where the heck did this attitude come from?

"What relevance does it make?" Cal shot back. Anger that was slowly building somewhere deep inside from the moment he saw her bloodied frame was now turning into full blown rage.

"Do you know who shot her? Do you know why? Shouldn't you be looking into that?" he spat out, impatience and fury making the pitch of his voice higher with every word.

The flicker of guilt quickly covered with flawed expression didn't pass unnoticed. Cal was observing the man like a hawk.

"Is the person arrested?"

This time it was more a surprise than anything else on detective's face. A bit of fear and guilt that lingered a moment too long was all Cal needed.

"It was one of your guys, wasn't it?" he more stated than asked in an intense sharp tone. The body language of the man sitting on the opposite chair was enough confirmation for Cal.

He had hit a sore spot with last statement. Either he had guessed exactly what happened or at least was very close to mark. Nevertheless, it did not explain the attitude. It was Gillian who was fighting for her life on the operation table and not one of his men.

"Who are you?" asked the guy slightly taken aback by Cal's brusqueness.

"I'm Cal Lightman. And the woman you for unknown reasons refer to so disparagingly is Gillian Foster. Dr Gillian Foster. She was murdered by serial killer Kyle Partridge four years ago. Until this very moment everyone believed her being dead".

Surprise and disbelief he saw in other man's face was genuine.

"Please, do us all a favour and check my words. I'm not going anywhere" Cal finished exasperated. Words 'without her' were not said aloud, but were clearly implicated.

Agent blinked. Information this strange guy had offered in one sentence was more than they had managed to gain over past year. Considering circumstances it needed to be verified and preferably as fast as possible. Nevertheless, something told the agent that it was truth or at least close to it. If the words of this Cal character were confirmed, some of the inconsistencies would be explained.

It was a good start and for now enough to work with, so he decided to give Mr Lightman a break, before the man went completely bonkers on him. Police officers were guarding the floor in case Cal decided to flee.

Rising up from the chair he occupied, the man turned to Cal and said: "I will have to ask you not to leave the hospital until we clear this out". Then he took a step forward, but as an afterthought turned back and added "By the way Mr Lightman I'm agent Murdock with the FBI special task force".

Cal didn't know what to make of the conversation or the situation as such as a matter of fact. It was complete twilight zone. Gillian was alive! Gillian was shot! She was fighting for her life. Again. FBI and police.

Try as he might, there just was not a single more or less reasonable explanation to any of this. Especially the part of barely concealed contempt that agent Murdock showed towards Gillian. She was nicest, kindest spirit he had ever known.

What on earth could have happened?

Cal hadn't tried to stop the man or ask any questions. He had seen very clearly that they wouldn't be answered anyway. And to work his magic, he needed at least some hindsight to know in which direction probe. Furthermore, he doubted that the agent would have stayed to chat anyway. At least not before he verified information Cal had provided.

Cal sensed that whatever was going on, he had managed to get right in the middle of it and was on a suspect list. Although what he was suspected of was complete mystery.


	7. Chapter 6 When the stars go blue

**Chapter 6**

**When the stars go blue**

Forty minutes later doors to the operation block opened. Doctor stepped out and eyed the room with a single man sitting in the corner.

"Are you with the gunshot victim?" he asked approaching Cal.

"Yes"

"I'm operating surgeon Dr Harper. The operation went well. The bullet went right through. She lt of blood, but we managed to stop the bleeding. She has been transferred to the ICU. Next 24 hours will tell, but there shouldn't be any complications. When she wakes up it is possible that she will experience severe hallucinations due to..."

Before the sentence was finished, agent Murdock stormed in, a piece of paper in his outstretched hand was momentary shoved in the hands of surprised doctor "When can I speak to her?"

"I'm sorry, but that shall have to wait. Patient is still uncouncious and on breathing machine" doctor said, eyes skimming through the piece of paper. Cal couldn't see the message, but surprise replaced with deep concern on doctor's face clearly indicated gravity of it "Please come with me. Nurse will escort you to the ICU. If any of my staff might be of any assistance, please let me know".

Cal tried to follow departing men out of the hallway, but was stopped at the doors by one of the police officers "Please return to the seat. You are not to leave this room."

"Bullocks!" Cal spat trying to pass the guard and squeeze his way through the doors. He felt iron grab on shoulders from behind and turned around. How nice, the chivalry arrived. Another officer at least twice the size of Cal had approached. The first officer again indicated in general direction of the chairs.

"Talk about police brutality! Don't you have anything better to do than imprison innocent citizens in a hospital lobby just for the fun of it?"

"Sorry. We have our orders."

"Agent that spoke to me before – Murdock was it. Is it his doing?"

"Please return to your seat. Someone will come shortly and explain everything" was the verbal reply, but the body language told Cal what he needed, although it didn't explain in any way what the bloody hell was going on. Why did they treat him like he was a criminal? What the FBI wanted from Gill?

Damned! He should have thought of it before Torres. He should call Torres. After leaving Lightman Group she joined the FBI. Maybe she would be able to find out what 'FBI gone nuts' reality show this was. As he reached for the phone, doors opened and agent Murdock reappeared.

"Mr Lightman, we..."

"Can I see Gillian?"

"We need to talk"

"We will. Just let me see her, ok? I just need to see her."

Desperation in Cal's voice was so profound that the agent gave in. What harm could it do anyway? Girl was unconscious. Police was just outside her doors. Furthermore, he reasoned, Cal would be more cooperative, if his wish was granted. And if the bitch died, poor guy had at least one last time to see his 'friend and partner'.

"Ok. Follow me."

They passed the police officer who had blocked Cal's exit before, turned right and entered the stairways, went one floor up, rounded the corner, passed reception desk and glass doors with sign ICU. The trip was done in complete silence. When they approached second doors to the left, agent lifted his palm in indicative gesture. It was completely unnecessary. From the moment they had entered the floor, Cal had known where Gill was, as only one of the rooms had two police officers 'attached'.

Cal took a deep breath to steady his beating heart, put his hand on the doorknob and slowly entered. From experience he knew what to expect, still breath caught in his throat and cold sweat ran down palms at the sight.

The bed looked too huge for its occupant. Gillian was still as ever, face pallor almost the same shade of grey as bedding. She looked so small, so fragile amid all the beeping machines, IV's and wires. He remembered that she was not breathing when brought in. Nevertheless tube coming out of her mouth and silent rise and fall of the breathing machine were just too much to bear. His eyes travelled south. What he saw next made his blood run cold.

Gillian's right arm was handcuffed to the bed.

Handcuffed!

There are moments in our life when we act without thinking, purely driven by instinct and not mind. We lash out without slightest though whether our actions are rational, cause reasonable and consequences comprehensive. One could even try to classify it as momentary insanity. Regardless of definitions and clinical terms, this was one of those moments for Cal Lightman.

The sight of rough handcuffs engulfing pale and delicate hand of Gillian Foster made him snap. In that instant everything crushed together. Agony he felt before and now. Tension and frustration accumulated over time. It was maddening. Overwhelming. Smothering.

Suppressed emotions for being forced helplessly and idly standby when she was tortured by a madman. Inability to help now. She was hurt and struggling for her life and there was not a single damned thing he could do about it.

Emotions were flooding like a river in springtime. It was sickening.

Simple fact that the handcuffs actually didn't present real danger to Gillian somewhat slipped his mind. She was hurt, and instead of helping hand she got cuffs. It was the final straw leading from despair to raging anger.

Before Cal realised what he was doing, he had left the room, spotted agent Murdock at the reception table, in three huge strides crossed the distance and attacked the man, right hook going straight to surprised face. Agent was quick. He managed to avoid most of the blow by leaning back and blocked Cal's fist. Though, fist fight was short lived, as both officers who just moments ago idly stood by the doors intervened.

Cal went down, but not without a fight. Only when adrenaline began to wear off he slowed. That was when he was overpowered and pushed to the ground with arms twisted behind back. It was more a surrender than victory.

Together with adrenaline retreated the moment of insanity. The same one that gotten Cal to this point in the first place.

Minutes later Cal was sitting on a gurney, similar to the one that Gill was brought in earlier. One hand handcuffed to the side of the bed, other one attended by some medical student. Cal had been lucky. Only injuries he suffered were bruised knuckles of his right arm and bleeding palm. Some of the stitches applied to his earlier wound were torn open during the struggle.

Cal's gaze silently swept over the room and stopped on two officers. Somehow they were in worse condition. One of the officers had blue eye, other had heavily bleeding nose. They both were eying him with open hostility. Before Cal had a chance to open his mouth, he heard familiar voice.

"Scientist at day and bar fighter at night. Who would have thought?" Murdock smirked mockingly.

"Sorry, mate" Cal looked up at approaching agent Murdock. To Cal's great surprise there was no hostility in agent's face. No accusations or anger. Just a hint of amusement visible while he smiled at officers and it was still there when he refocused back to Cal.

"I have to admit that you gave better than you got" Murdock said still smirking.

"Fluke" Cal was not in a mood for humour "Am I arrested?"

To big surprise Murdock replied "No" as he reached to the pocket of his jacket and retrieved a key.

"At least for the moment you're not. But it is not close to dawn jet..." agent continued, same smirk present in his voice as he unlocked the handcuffs.

"That's it?"

"That's it"

Cal was perplexed. Attack on FBI agent, not to mention two police officers in a scene full of witnesses and all he got was good old clap on shoulder?

The world definitely had gone mad!

Maybe it was not the world that was mad, but it was him?

Maybe. Just maybe it all had been a terrible nightmare. A sick plot of his overimaginative mind.

If so, he would wake up.

None if it really happened.

Everything would be back to the normal - Lightman Group, Emily, Gillian.

Next words of the agent brought Cal out of his reverie and threw him hard back to reality - face flat into concrete.


	8. Chapter 7 Fall from the grace, Part I

_**Note: **__Sorry for late update – hope you're still with me... _

_Just wanted to say that I have not forgotten or given up on this story... thank you for bearing with me and special thanks to all who posted reviews... they are always very appreciated..._

**Chapter 7**

**Fall from the grace, Part I**

Next words of the agent brought Cal out of his reverie and harshly threw him back to reality.

"Your story. It was confirmed..."

That was it. No wake up call. No simple ending. Events of the day were not a nightmare, but harsh cold reality.

Cal was waiting for the agent to continue, but when the other man kept silent, Cal looked up "And?"

"And it means that we finally have a name attached to the face of our mysterious lady. The only thing that does not make sense is why you were here today? How did you know that she was in the town? Who told you?"

"Wait a second. Why do you assume someone told me anything?"

"Quite a coincidence, don't you think? You being up in the same hospital she was administered to. What was it – she contacted you with some sappy story and you promised to help? When things got south you checked the hospital?"

"I cut my bloody palm..." Cal began, but was cut off. Agent had gotten what he needed. Strain in Cal's voice, clenched fists, flaring nostrils, hostile glare and tightened lips were enough proof that the anger had been genuine.

In more conciliatory tone Murdock continued "Relax. Let's not start another fistfight. I just needed to be sure you are not involved."

"Involved in what?"

"Keep your voice down; otherwise my friends across the room are getting anxious."

Quick glance in that direction at two officers confirmed that they didn't need special invitation to take him out. Cal relaxed his taut muscles, deciding to play safe for now. There was no point in being arrested anyway.

"Maybe you could stop this innuendo and tell me what the fuck is going on. Why Gillian was shot?" Cal asked in more subtle although still lacing with venom tone.

"And I thought in this conversation I represented law enforcement"

"Bloody hell..."

"Fine, Mr Lightman. You want the truth, here it is. Your lovely lady friend there is on FBI most wanted list."

When Cal didn't interrupt the agent continued "She is the main suspect in at least seven assassinations. Furthermore, money laundering and trade of illegal firearms also is not beyond her forte".

There was a hesitation in the man's voice. It seemed that he was contemplating, whether to add something or not. Instant later he made up his mind "Because of your girl I lost one of my man. A good friend of mine. We worked together for ten years. His widow was left with two kids on her hands without support. Hence the hostility you noticed before."

Cal looked at the guy as if he had grown a second head or third eye had just popped out on his forehead. For a moment he thought that Murdock was joking. If it was not for dull seriousness of the tone and dead straight eye contact, Cal would have thought the guy was pulling a prank.

Whomever he was talking about, it was not Gillian. Not HIS Gillian, who happened to be most heart warm and kind person he had ever known. She was not able to harm a fly or break even such a minor rule as crossing the street on a red light, less alone actually kill a person or conduct serious crime. She was too gentle and too right for that.

"Until now we were not able to establish her identity, but, as I said before, thanks to you we have a name. Crude mistake was that we never checked Bonnie against database of deceased."

Cal was barely listening. He was still in shock from the 'FBI most wanted list'. His mind wheels were running overtime, but nothing made sense. There was no scenario where any of this could make at least some sort of sense.

The best line Cal's dumbfounded mind came up with was "Do you have evidence?"

"Evidence?"

"Staff that incriminates people. You know DNA, fingerprints, witnesses..."

"Don't patronise me" Murdock did not react to the bite "And yes, as a matter of fact we do".

With all the harshness, attitude problems and unpredictable temper he liked Lightman. The guy possessed qualities Murdock valued highly in people – loyalty and directness. It was clear that whatever was said would not change his attitude for the woman. Nevertheless, having the man on his side could prove to be valuable, especially considering man's reputation being a walking lie detector and his deep connection with Gillian gal. It could prove to be very useful in a near future, if she lived off course. Although the agent highly doubted that Lightman would share his point of view.

"Then why not just arrest her? Why the shooting? I hardly imagine Gillian putting on resistance with smoking guns in hands and pile of defeated FBI agents left on the way." The words came out with even more malice than Cal intended.

The whole situation was absurd.

Even mere thought of his Gillian as ruthless criminal was place-able in the same reality realm as Mad Hatter Tea Party.

"I'm not authorised to discuss the specifications of the operation."

"So what you are so delicately telling me is that your guys screwed the pooch."

Agent's lips twitched, but it was difficult to say whether it was guilt or scorn "What I'm so delicately trying to tell you is that your friend is not the same person you knew before. Whatever happened had significantly changed her."

"So basically you want me to trust you on a whim and simply ignore the fact that because of your mistakes Gillian is fighting for her life."

As soon as the words left his mouth he mentally added 'again'. Although her first encounter with death was not fault of agent and his team, it didn't help much to lessen Cal's guilt. If it hadn't been for his stupid actions, Gill wouldn't end up in this mess in the first place.

She was hurt.

Again.

She was suffering.

Again.

And instead of being there for her, Cal was having fruitless conversation in the dressing room of the hospital.

Suddenly extremely strong longing to see Gill washed over. In that instant for the first time in the life he didn't care for the truth. Whatever was going on was irrelevant and most definitely could wait. Only one fact mattered. She was alive. She was here.

It was more than a longing, a primal need to see her comming from the depth of his soul.

"If I'm not arrested or detained I want to go back to the ICU. Now." Cal stated with rock hard firmness, putting emphasis on the last word. Murdock looked at him with curiosity, but didn't say a word.

"One one more thing" Cal continued "Take those goddamned handcuffs off. It is not like she is in any condition to vanish into thin air"

"And I was wondering what triggered the outburst" Murdock said thoughtfully. His reached down to the pocked and retrieved mobile phone that was set on vibrating "Sorry. Have to get this". The agent pushed the answer button, but before retreating to have a private conversation he addressed Cal, who was waiting for a reply

"'Yes' - you can see her and 'No' - the handcuffs stays." With that he turned on his heel and in few huge strides exited the room closing the doors behind.

With his good arm Cal checked the bandages. His morning wound that got him to the hospital seemed so insignificant now. With a sigh he stood up and followed the same path Murdock had taken just a moment ago.

Like before doors to Gill's room were guarded by two officers. Although these were not the same guys he had got into fight with. They eyed Cal with open hostility, no doubt rumours of his achievements preceding him, but none of them tried to stop the man as he firmly grabbed the doorknob. Apparently Murdock had warned them in advance.

Ignoring disgruntled stares Cal sighed and entered the semi-dark room for the second time.

He had absolutely no idea what time it was, but apparently it was late. With slow and silent movements he approached the bed, action so unlike his usual quirky and relentless behaviour.

The light was dim, but it was enough to see silent rise and fall of Gillian's chest. Without a makeup dark marks on her face Cal had noticed yesterday were even more profound. Whatever had happened before the shooting had not been pleasant either.

What kind of mess was she really in?

Cal moved the chair right beside the bed and sat, taking motionless ghostly pale hand in his. It almost disappeared in his grip.

Due to the strength of her personality, Cal sometimes forgot how delicate and fragile she really was. He felt tight ball stuck in his throat and bitterness over float his heart. Only moments later he realised that the dampness on his face were silent tears that were held in for too long. Way too long.

Steady beeping surrounding him in the dark room only facilitated migraine that was developing from the base of his temples.

The conversation he had with agent Murdock earlier was replaying in his head.

How in the God's name everything had gotten so twisted and so wrong?

tbc


	9. Chapter 8 Fall from the grace – Part II

**Chapter 8**

_**Note: **__Million thanks for the reviews and again sorry for late update... _

**Fall from the grace – Part 2**

Next morning Cal was woken by nurse who was checking Gill's vials. He had fallen asleep in the chair, head resting on the side of the bed, pale palm in his grip.

"How is she?" Cal asked rising from uncomfortable position and stretching stiff muscles.

Elderly lady kindly smiled at him "She is strong, a fighter. You'll see – she will make it. Are you a husband?"

"Yes"

It was already second time when he lied. Somehow this white lie made him feel better; eased the anxiousness he felt.

Apparently events of the previous day had taken their toll, because Cal didn't even remember falling asleep. As soon as the nurse left the room Cal's focus returned purely on unconscious woman.

In the bright daylight her skin looked even paler, almost translucent. Complete opposite to black violet marks on her face. For the thousandths time Cal was contemplating what could have led to this moment. The feelings he had were almost as complex as the situation in general. His heart broke to see her so hurt and weak, but at the same time he was glad. Don't get it wrong – it was not her suffering or condition that made him glad, but the fact that collision of coincidences had brought her back into his life. If he hadn't cut his hand, if she hadn't been shot. So many 'ifs' had led to this moment.

Cal had been selfish and knew it. He was not a noble man and that was a fact. During his drunken stupor he had asked God to return her into his life regardless of the cost. Apparently this is what 'regardless of the cost' meant in practice.

"Gill, darling" he started in a gentle whisper gently brushing her face "Haven't seen me for a while, huh, luv. God, if you only knew how much a prayed for you to come back. I have to admit that after this even the scientist in me has started to believe in faith, in higher powers. How else could one explain all this... Me, you..." his voice waivered with emotions "I love you more than you could ever know..."

Cal chocked on the words from the intensity of the emotions that arose with them "Please don't leave me... Not now, not ever again... I buried you once and I can't do it again...I won't do it again... Do you hear me honey? You have to be strong, to fight. I need you..."

Cal stopped in the mid sentence as he heard crack of the opening doors. Looking up he saw familiar face of agent Murdock.

"Morning Mr Lightman"

"Morning" Cal half-heartedly replied.

"How is our sleeping beauty this morning?"

Only answer from Cal was low and undistinguishable growl.

"Sorry, force of habit. We agents tend to have wry sense of humour."

Quick glance at Gill ensured Cal that she was still all right, so he averted his gaze to the agent. The man wore unreadable expression and Cal was not sure what was about to come - whether he was here to drop another bomb about Gillian on him or arrest for last night's ordeal.

Murdock took the vacant seat next to Cal and made himself comfortable.

"Tough nigh?" he asked eying Cal. They both knew that it was more a rhetorical question used as an ice breaker, than genuine interest. Cal's rugged appearance, wriggled clothing, tensed posture and bags under eyes spoke volumes.

"Something like that" Cal replied, eyes lingering on the still form of his partner "We both know that it is not a social visit so let's cut the crap"

"Fine with me. Last night we performed detailed background checks on both of you. There was a time when you were quite famous scientist."

Cal's nose drills flared, but he didn't say a word.

"It is a sad story about your lady friend. And although it officially takes you off the hook for being accomplice, she is not cleared. Too much evidence points at her. Off course we can't do anything much until she wakes..."

"Geez, thanks, such a confidence" Cal just could not stop the barb, as his eyes stayed on the damned handcuffs "Maybe you could take the damn things off?"

"Sorry, the procedure..."

"Fuck the procedure. Gillian is the most compassionate and kind person I have ever met. There is no way..."

"I have read her file and know all about her accomplishments. Graduated Harvard University first in her class, then successfully finished doctorate with dissertation on vocal expressions of emotions. Worked also on several scientific research grants related to the theme of her dissertation. In parallel job in Pentagon and private practice. Quite resourceful and determined woman. And of course, meeting with you in the Pentagon. Don't look so surprised. We do our homework thoroughly. The drug addiction of her husband is quite a black mark in otherwise crystal clear biography. That and two 911 calls on domestic abuse, but none of them ever reported."

Cal looked at the agent surprised. That was something completely new.

"Ah... You didn't know that, did you? Apparently your partner chose not to share these details of her life with you"

"Alec?"

"If you mean husband then yes. Apparently he could get abusive while high. Actually that was one of the reasons mentioned in the divorce reasons."

That was too much. Cal's fists clenched, eyeballs turned red and he almost leaped from the seat to kill that effeminate bastard. He knew there was a reason he never liked the guy. First though that had entered Cal's mind when he met Alec Foster for the first time was _he does not deserve her_. Later this conviction only grew stronger and stronger.

"Is there any point to this?" Cal asked in a wooden tone.

"My point is that the woman you knew maybe couldn't have done it, but on the other hand did you really know everything about her? Trust me; I have seen even more unbelievable things. People change. The catalysts are different, but the mere fact stays the same – if pushed hard enough everyone can become complete opposite of his self."

"Quite cynical point of view!"

"Maybe, but that doesn't make it less true. Maybe it was near death experience that changed her. Maybe there was some other trigger. No one knows what she had been through over last years. And although I feel really sorry for you, both of you, I wanted to tell you myself that as soon as she wakes she will be charged. She is guilty and although I sympathize, my job is to see that justice is done. We have more evidence than we need to convict her and if she does not come clean about her accomplice she has only one road ahead."

"Why are you telling me all this?"

"Two reasons. First, I have seen the way you look at her. I might not be relationship expert, but I see when someone is in love as much as you are. I also know you hope this is miraculous second chance. Hate to disappoint that it is not. The woman you knew died. Whether it was those four years ago or sometime later I don't know. This is completely different Gillian Foster. Not your partner or friend, but cold bloodied killer."

"You said two" Cal said to exhausted to go ballistic at the guy. He knew that agent meant well, but the man had absolutely no idea what he was talking about.

"What two?"

"Two reasons."

"Well, the second one is for you to think about. When Bonny wakes I would like you to convince her to come clean and confess" Murdock knew that he was overly direct and open, but he also sensed that this was the only way how he could ever convince Lightman to even contemplate the idea. No tricks, half-truths and hidden agendas would work for this guy. He would simply see right through.

The fact that Cal didn't show any indications of surprise at request showed that the man had already sensed the direction of the whole conversation. Damned! He was good, maybe even too good Murdock smirked.

"So you knew where I was heading from the start."

"Yep. There was only one reason why we would ever have this conversation. You don't have to be behavioural analyst to know that."

"I have to give you a credit."

"Better give me back Gill."

"Sorry, can't do that."

"You never answered how she was shot."

Murdock raised his hand in 'stop' gesture.

"I can't say that. Information on ongoing investigation is classified" he said patting the manila folder he was holding "Everything we have on your girl is here."

Everything that was not voiced aloud, Cal read on agent's face, but was not sure whether he was interpreting it right. Only when Murdock stood up and turned to leave, accidently leaving the folder behind Cal's readings was confirmed.

The agent was ready to share classified information. It was part of his move to make Cal cooperate and get the confession if Gill wakes. No, not if – when. Bloody agent knew that Cal was the best candidate for the job.

Although the idea alone made him sick, the temptation to see the information and finally get hold on this twilight zone was too great.

Ten minutes passed since agent had left, but Cal still sat there with his gaze fixed on the manila folder like it was Pandora's Box, as if simple touch would unleash all the evil into the world.

Maybe. Just maybe there still was a place for hope?

Patience had never been one of Cal's virtues therefore only minutes later he finally summoned enough courage to open the bloody thing and started to skim through the files.

The decision he would come to regret.


	10. Chapter 9 Fall from the grace - Part III

**Chapter 9**

**Fall from the grace - Part III**

Unable to suppress his natural curiosity and feeling desperate need to get at least some clarity amidst this insanity Cal finally opened the manila folder. Although he felt like trespassing, crossing the line by acting without Gill's consent, he was not able to stop.

"My God!" He couldn't believe his eyes. The information stored was beyond unbelievable.

It was a compilation of different cases. Assassination of businessman in Huston, influent family killed in Atlanta, mob in Florida, political adviser in Dallas, the list went on. Pictures, results of forensic exams, testimonies of witnesses – everything was there. Gill's DNA or fingerprints were found on crime scenes, witnesses had recognized seeing her at the murder scene around the time of death of the victim.

Then there were cases of money laundering. For one file printouts from security camera shots were attached. There were pictures of Gill fleeing the crime scene. She had a gun in her hand! Cal would have never thought she even knew how to hold, less alone use one.

Picture by picture, file by file he followed her criminal activities all the while feeling more and more on the dark side of the moon.

What caught his attention was general description of Gillian attached to the file. It was so impersonalised, that he would never, not in a million years associate it with his partner: "white female, early forties, shoulder length light brown hair, slim built, height approximately 5'6", armed, considered dangerous..."

Dangerous! That definitely was not word to be associated with romantic novels loving woman. The woman he knew would have never been able to do any of those things. She was too gentle and sweet, too innocent and pure.

Unfortunately facts spoke volumes.

There was also a report for police undercover operation. Trade of illegal firearms was set up to bust Larson brothers, notorious gun dealers and someone named Jack. The pictures taken by secret cameras had documented whole deal. One of the persons on seller side was Gillian.

There she was saying something to the bald guy to her right. In the next she was addressing the false buyer who in reality was undercover cop.

Some pictures later the police busted in and all hell broke free. There was one with the agent aiming. In the next one Gill was already on the floor bleeding heavily from the gunshot wound. Cal almost threw up when he saw the size of pool around her. The still had frozen her face. Although the picture was of very poor quality, expression of agony was unmistakable.

There was something wrong with the picture, besides the fact that Gill was shot, but Cal couldn't really grasp what was gnawing him. Some inconsistency he instinctively noticed, but couldn't place. He took two pictures for closer examination; one was right before Gill was shot and the other one with her in the pool of her own blood.

For several minutes he simply stared at them comparing the details. Then it finally occurred. The difference between the two shots was mere seconds. How it was possible that she was in completely different pose and location? Longer he compared the images, clearer it was that she had launched herself in the way of the bullet. Why would she do something like that? There was only one plausible explanation – to protect someone.

Who? Who Gill was ready to die for?

Cal quickly went through the rest of the images. Whoever was hiding in the shadows, whoever she was protecting with her life had really made sure to stay off the spotlight.

The file produced more question than answers.

Although one thing was clear – Murdock hadn't lied. They really had more than enough evidence against Foster.

"How did you get tangled into this web, luv?" Cal asked leaning over and kissing her forehead ever so slightly.

###

Clouds. Thick, heavy, almost wool like. They were surrounding her, almost making her drown. She wanted to scream, but no sound came. Then she saw Him.

He had found her even here, although she had absolutely no idea where 'here' was. The promise He made was true. He would find her even at the end of the world and somehow she knew that she was literally there – at the end of the world.

It also meant that the other part of His promise was true. She would never be free. Fear was overwhelming, almost paralyzing, but then as suddenly as the masculine figure appeared, it was gone. She was left completely alone in the white smothering emptiness that surrounded her.

There was something she was supposed to remember. No, not something, someone. How she was supposed to remember, if even thought about thinking hurt?

Suddenly she found herself in a cemetery. Choking whiteness was gone replaced by a dim moonlight. In front of her laid dark brown coffin surrounded by at least dozen white lilies. There was no fear in her heart when she saw a deadly pale girl sat up in the casket. The child was looking at her with sad, accusing eyes. Her lips were moving, and although the sound was not audible, in her heart she knew what was being said "You promised!"

Suddenly she remembered what she had forgotten. With the memory came frantic need to breathe. Gill summoned all her strength to inhale, but it was not possible. Something was limiting air supply.

It was wrong!

Gill tried to fight, but something was holding her down. She didn't have the strength to overpower the invisible force, but there was no way she would give up. Accusatory expression on girl's face made her fight even harder.

Cal was sitting on the side of Gill's bed, when he noticed that her eyelids flared. It was a tiny movement, but for him it was the world.

Seconds later breathing machine started to beep and nurses rushed in followed by one of the doctors. The man checked Gill's vials and was giving orders to the nurses.

"Is she ok?" Cal asked worried.

"Good news. She had regained consciousness and is trying to breathe. The sedatives won't let her awake for several more hours, but for now we will remove the breathing machine."

Cal was so relieved that he didn't even notice tears silently falling down his cheeks.

She did it.

She pulled through.

###

"How is Bonnie doing today?" doors opened and agent Murdock appeared in all his glory.

"She is breathing on her own, but hadn't woken yet." Cal replied not looking at the agent.

"That means she made it. Good for you." Murdock replied sitting down on the chair next to Cal.

"I read the file..." Cal stopped for a moment "I still have hard time to believe any of this to be true."

"I already figured that much."

Cal took two photos he had been analyzing and finally looked at the agent "She was saving someone. Who?"

"Her lover – Jack or as we call him – Black Jack. So far we have never been able to catch the bastard. He is professional assassin, has more deaths on his account than we probably know of. Nevertheless we have never come even close to catch the guy. He is damned smart and adept. Besides we don't have usable picture of the son of the bitch. He is a master of disguise. That is why we need Bonnie. She is our only link with the sociopath."

"What do you mean lover?"

"Lover or wife, I don't care. All I know is that she had been running errands on his behalf. Despite what you think, we have our sources."

"How she was involved with him in the first place?"

"Don't know, don't care. We need Jack and Bonnie is the only one who can help. Have you thought about my proposal?"

"If I understood your message correctly I stay involved and help or you won't let me anywhere near her. Is that it?"

"You got it."

"That is blackmail."

"Call it what you like. As soon as your friend wakes we will put her in the cell and there will be no way for you to visit. Unless..."

Cal's fists clenched and unclenched in anger. There was no way he would stay out of this, it was essential to get to the truth and clear Gill's name. Cal had no doubt in his mind that it all was some sort of misunderstanding. But to do it, he would have to play by Murdock's rules. That would mean to betray her trust. Were there really any options?

"Fine! I'll help, but only to prove you wrong."

"Works fine with me. As long as we get Jack, you can prove anything you want."

###

Three days had passed with no major changes. Gill was still unconscious. Officers outside her doors changed post every twelve hours. Cal never left her side. Staff of the hospital has given up on attempts to kick him out. The man was way too intimidating and stubborn.

On occasion Murdock stopped by. The operation for Jack's retrieval was still ongoing.

It was late afternoon of day three when Gillian's eyes fluttered and soft moan escaped her cracked lips. She tried to open eyes, but it was like lifting heavy weight.

She tried again. Harder. It seemed almost impossible. When she finally succeeded, the light almost blinded her.

Pain. She was in pain. It was like a plague you can't escape from. What happened this time? Whatever she had done, she had pissed Him off more than ever before.

Gill's blurred vision registered a move. Someone was in the room. Gill tensed and tried to move, but her limbs felt like filled with plumb. She tried to speak, but no voice came.

When she heard long forgotten yet familiar voice utter "Shhh, Luv... It is all right" she almost fell apart. Finally she managed to clear her vision and saw worried face looming above her.

Not really understanding what was going on, Gill tried to rise and back away, but sharp pain in her abdomen stilled her attempts. Suddenly she felt warm palm on her shoulder holding her in place. The contact made her cringe and she raised her arms in defence, only to find out that her right arm had limited range of motions. Cuffs!

Seeing her discomfort from the contact, Cal quickly withdrew his arm. There was no point to scare her more than she already was. He observed her, worry plastered all over his face.

As much as he wanted to touch and comfort distressed woman, it clearly was not the best idea. As if injuries she already had were not enough, angry red welts appeared on her cuffed arm from all the wriggling.

What astound Cal most was that she was not even slightly surprised by the fact she was cuffed. As if it was most natural thing in the world.

A myriad of emotions ran over her face in a millisecond, but Cal was not able to decipher them all. Most vivid ones were surprise and relief as well as confusion and something else that was not an emotion at all.

Pain.

She was in pain.

"Hi, luv. How are you feeling? Should I call a doctor?" Cal knew that he was rambling, but didn't care. The moment she opened those grey orbs was the happiest moment of last four years.

Gill simply stared at him. Usually open expression was gone and instead of it was controlled mask of indifference.

She opened her mouth to say something, but suddenly stopped. Several seconds she was actively contemplating and finally asked "Who are you?"

Cal's heart sank.

Before he had a chance to react, the doors opened and Murdock made his appearance.

"Well, well, well, sleeping beauty is finally up..." Murdock announced with a huge smirk on his face.

"...and instead of a prince charming gets cuffed to a bed. Not the Disney version I see." Gill finished in completely neutral tone. Her real emotions were mystery even to Cal.

"Speaking about prince charming, where is he?"

"Don't know what you are talking about." came dry quip. "Do you mind?" Gill asked tugging her wrist against the metal cuffs to make her point. To Cal's dismay she obviously didn't care much about bruises and lacerations it left on her delicate skin.

"Actually I do mind. Relax, Miss Sunshine. You are not going anywhere."

"As if I could." She whispered closing eyes in exhaustion. Those had been only several minutes, but they drained all of her energy.

"What do you think you are doing? We are not finished here!" Murdock wanted to shake the annoying woman, but his arm was firmly blocked by Cal.

"Let her be. She just regained the consciousness. Give her some time."

"The time is one thing we don't have." Murdock replied grimly, but withdrew his hand anyway "Ok. Be it your way. As soon as she is up again, you call me. Is that clear?"

"Crystal." Cal replied in a tone dripping with sarcasm.

As soon as Murdock exited the room, Cal's attention shifted back to the sleeping woman. He had been so happy to see her wake, but her words had put a dagger through his heart. Did she really suffer from some kind of amnesia? Considering that fall had caused her head to bump hard against the concrete it was a possibility. Nevertheless, Cal had a feeling that there was more to it than she let on. Whether she remembered him it was not clear, but there was a flicker of some raw emotion when she looked at Murdock. It was so mixed, that Cal couldn't really place it, but it was a clear sign she knew exactly who he was.

###

When Gill woke, it was the middle of the night. Cal was snoozing in the chair. He had become really light sleeper over last days. Even slightest moves or change of breathing was enough to wake him.

"Hi, luv" he greeted the woman rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

"Hi" came a hoarse reply "Where is your friend?"

"Well, he is not my friend, not really."

"Water?"

"Ok. Hang on there. I will be right back." Cal raised and went to the cupboard near the doors. There stood a bottle of still water and some plastic glasses.

Gill took the offered glass and lifting her head took several gulps. Sitting up was not an option, considering the level of pain.

"How do you feel?" Cal asked worried.

"I've been better." Gill briefly smiled. The truth was she felt like shit. Somehow she couldn't remember what circumstances lead to current situation. Cal saw the question on her face before she voiced it.

"You were shot, darling."

Well, it kind of made sense, at least explained the terrible pain in her abdomen. Several minutes later whole shooting scene slowly started to come back. With that returned fear and worry.

She had to find a way out, to run and do it rather sooner than later.

Gillian knew Murdock. They had clashed before. Actually, their last eye-to-eye meet ended with death of one of his agents. Gill knew perfectly well that now it was personal for the agent. He would not stop until he got her cornered.

Looking at the man in the room Gill realised that she was in shit over her head. Her chances to get out of this mess were slim, but she had to find a way.

Simply had to.

Regardless of the means.

Too much was at stake if she didn't.


	11. Chapter 10 Fall from the grace - Part IV

_**Note: **__I know it is a bit longer than usual, but I hope it will be worth to read... _

_Million thanks to those who found time to post a review – they are genuinely appreciated :):):)_

**Chapter 10**

**Fall from the grace - Part IV**

Next several days went into a haze. Gill stayed awake more, but most of the time there was an officer present or Murdock conducted interrogation himself.

The agent was like a bloodhound on loose. He was so adamant that time from time Cal had strongest desire to shut the man and drag him out of the room, away from Gill so she would get some space and peace. For Pete's sake, she was so weak!

Completely disregarding her fragile state the agent was in for the kill. The worst part was that his approach was similar to Cal's. When he got onto something, he kept pressing the issue until the person under questioning crashed. In a way Cal got a taste of his own medicine and it was not a pleasant one.

From the start Gillian claimed not to remember anything until she woke in the hospital bed and stuck to the story with iron grip. No matter how hard Murdock tried to break her, she never even wobbled. No leak of deception, no tongue slips; nothing indicated that she was lying. Aside from the gut feeling Cal had, no material proof of her being dishonest was present.

From experience Cal knew that even before the whole ordeal threats and pressure were not the most productive methods deployed against his headstrong partner. She might be sweet and innocent, but behind that facade was iron spine and spirit one had to take into account. How else one could outstand decade by his side? She was not easily bullied and saw right through the bluff. Now, when she already was emotionally withdrawn '_good cop bad cop'_ tactics used by the agents were making matters only worse. Off course, Cal never shared this with agent. Why would he? Murdock didn't need additional encouragement to be a huge pain in the ass. Besides, his tactics already were more than just harassing. If he even suspected that Gill was concealing something, it would make the matters only worse.

Cal knew that his emotional involvement completely clouded his judgement. That was the sole reason why he was not able to properly read her. He cared about her health a lot more than he cared about the truth. Besides Cal was not sure he REALLY wanted to know what happened to change the woman to such extent.

As long as nothing was proven, there still was a hope that it all was just a major misunderstanding, even the photos and evidence he had seen in the file. That she was the same woman he used to know. It was stupid and lame approach and Cal knew it. The life didn't work that way and problems didn't go away or and disappear just because one wished so. Still this false hope was better that to get her back and then lose again.

New side of Gillian he had never seen before scared the living hell out of him. Even when they were alone mask of cold indifference was plastered on her face. It was so unlike for warm, open and forthcoming woman she usually was.

What happened to make her like this? Cold and distant. Distrusting and scared.

She was protecting herself or someone? Protecting from what?

Cal had tried to talk to her, but she ignored him. If they were alone in the room, she just lay there looking into space disregarding all of his attempts to launch a conversation. He had tried to comfort her, but she cringed at the physical contact and pushed him away violently.

Cal simply had no idea how to reach her. He was good at reading people, but feelings had always been Gill's department. How do you help someone who does not want your help?

In the meanwhile he was forced to observe the vicious circle of questions and answers that repeated hour by hour, day by day:

"_Where is your lover? Where is Jack?"_

"_I don't know any Jack."_

"_Where is his hideout?"_

"_I told you, I don't know who Jack is."_

"_How many people did you kill? Did you do it together?"_

"_I haven't killed anybody."_

"_Who are his associates?"_

"_I don't know what you are talking about."_

"_Where is the money?"_

"_What money?''_

"_How did he escape from the warehouse?"_

"_Who?"_

"_Stop playing stupid, missy. I know that you are faking the amnesia."_

"_Good. If you're such a smart cookie, then you already know the answers."_

"_You know that you are going to prison. Help yourself, tell us where he is and we will make a deal."_

"_Leave me alone."_

"_How about Dr Lightman here? Do you remember him?"_

"_I told you, I don't remember anything."_

"_He claims to be your partner."_

"_So?"_

"_So you are saying you don't remember him or the business you used to run together?"_

"_Finally you got it..."_

"_Where are the weapons shipped to?"_

"_What weapons?"_

"_You know well enough..."_

"_No, I don't."_

"_Yes you do."_

"_Fuck off."_

It was sickening game of words tossed forth and back. The interrogators changed, the tactics changed, the questions were modified, but answers always stayed the same. There was not even slightest slip of tongue.

The crude language she used was one more thing Cal would have never associated with his intelligent and mannerly partner. Come to think of it, he couldn't recall hearing a single uncensored word from her lips, ever. That is until now.

What bothered Cal even more was that Gill never asked about herself or the past. It was quite unlike behaviour from someone who had no memories. On the other hand, considering circumstances it was not surprising either.

If you wake up in a room full of cops and are told that you are devil impersonated, would you really ask for additional information thus putting nails into your own coffin, would you trust them? The risk to get half truths and biased opinions was grave, the possibility that someone used her weakened stated and tried to implant false memories was real.

Truth was - she didn't trust them. If the tables were reversed, Cal wouldn't have trusted them either and like Gill, would have kept his mouth shut until he got better understanding of what really was going on.

What hurt was that she didn't trust him. The fact that Gill had no recollection of them being best friends and partners put a dagger right through Cal's heart.

###

It was late evening. They were finally alone. Like always Gill ignored his attempts to engage in small talk. Actually Cal hadn't expected anything else, but today there was something important he needed to discuss.

Earlier that day he had witnessed emotions she hadn't been able to hide. Before making decision whether to share his observations with Murdock or not, Cal wanted to give her a chance to explain.

"You know, luv. I detect lies for living. Well, off course you know that. I have told you that at least dozens of times" he paused trying to decide the best way to proceed. Well, the truth was there was none, so he just dived in "I have to admit you are really good at what you do, but so am I. Today you finally slipped. You say that you don't know Jack, but I don't believe it is the truth. Earlier when we overheard the transmission of him being caught, I saw utter fear in your eyes. You hid it, but not quickly enough. No one feels such strong emotions for someone they supposedly don't know."

It had been misunderstanding. They had caught someone, but as it turned out later, it was not Jack. Still the mistake proved to be a major breakthrough for Cal.

"Please, talk to me. Otherwise I will report my observations to Murdock," those were lies, but Cal was excellent liar, when it was needed.

"Then do it and leave me the hell alone!" Gill replied suddenly angry. She was sick of this all, sick of him always sticking around, of the police smothering her, of her life, of everything. "I bet he will be overwhelmed with the news."

"I want to understand why you do it."

"Why I do what?"

"Don't pretend you don't understand."

"Why does it matter?"

"It matters to me."

"Fine. I do it for the fun of it. Happy?"

"No. That's a lie. Why are you acting so hostile? I haven't done anything to you."

"You haven't helped either."

Her last words hit Cal directly below the belt and he cringed as if the pain was on physical level. It stung, because every word was absolutely true. He hadn't protected her before and now he failed to do it again. He let them to treat her like a criminal, hadn't managed get her out of the bloody cuffs. He had let her down. What good was his presence, if he failed to help?

"I'm sorry, sorry for everything, for putting you in this mess, for not protecting you," Cal whispered brokenly as the weight of the situation came crashing down on him.

"No. Forget it. It is not your fault and I had no right to lash out at you," Gill tried to reassure him, gently putting palm over his sweated one.

The gesture was so familiar and welcomed, that it almost drew tears to his eyes. He didn't cry, but his eyes shone brighter than a minute before. It was gesture from the past. It did not come from the cold elusive person who lied to FBI, but warm, caring and kind spirit he knew, the one who always tried to make everyone feel better, never hesitated to reach out if someone was in need or hurt, who cared for others deeply and openly.

Next moment the brief flash was gone. Gill quickly withdrew her palm and cold mask slipped back on her face, but the warm feeling of her gentle fingers still lingered on his skin.

Unable to stop himself Cal asked "Are the accusations are true? You killed those people?"

Gillian looked away. The pause stretched out so long that Cal abandoned all hope to get any response. Apparently she was back on the silent treatment.

Therefore he was quite surprised when Gill shifted and locking her eyes on his replied "I don't know."

That was the ultimate truth. He could see it on her face clear as day. She really had no clue. What disturbed him was the hint of doubt. She didn't know, but didn't exclude such possibility either.

It wouldn't have been classical Lightman, if he didn't try to push further, once the opportunity rose.

"You really don't remember me, us? How we met at the Pentagon, how we became partners, established Lightman Group, worked ungodly hours and struggled to make it work and the success that followed?"

"Sorry," she replied closing eyes and turning away. Although he didn't see her expression, he caught traces of sadness and remorse in her voice. Apparently she did feel bad about the memory loss.

"What about Alec? Do you remember him?"

"Who is Alec?" she asked in a tired voice never opening eyes.

"You ex-husband."

"No. Look, I'm really tired. Can we continue this some other time?"

"Sure, luv. You try and have some rest."

Internally Cal was lost. Did she suffer from retrograde amnesia? Was that the case?

If yes, then it has been triggered before the shooting.

Maybe something really traumatic happened those four years ago? It would explain why she had no memories of him or her past, but she knew Murdock and this Jack character. On the other hand it didn't explain why she had no clue about the murders. They all happened during last two years.

Cal felt more and more sucked in the twilight zone.

He simply couldn't figure scenario where every piece of the puzzle put together made at least some sense.

###

It was little over six in the morning. Cal was returning from the cafeteria. Well, a vending machine that stood in the corner of the cafeteria if being more precise. The food there was awful, but it was better than nothing. He had been hungry from five. Afraid the rumbling of his empty stomach would wake Gillian he finally decided to get some food.

Huge halls he crossed on the way were almost empty, except for one or two nurses on duty who passed by and lone janitor with a broom unhurriedly sweeping the floor.

When he left, Gill was sound asleep and Cal hoped that she would stay that way for a couple more hours. She really needed rest and peace, but with room constantly full of nosy cops it was simply impossible. Main antagonist in this saga was Murdock, who to Cal's great dissatisfaction pushed poor woman far beyond the limits. More than once Cal had been not overly gently escorted out of the room when he tried to intervene and step up for Gill.

Although Cal knew that there were certain boundaries that could not be overstepped, otherwise he would be left on the other side of the line without any possibility to reach her, it was impossible to idly observe how they were breaking her. More than once his fists had tightened in hot desire to smash the bastards, make them leave Gill alone, but he knew that such behaviour would only backfire on both of them.

Upon entering the hallway Cal noticed that the guard who was supposed to be by the door was not in his post. It was too early for the change. Maybe he went to the restroom.

Next moment he heard loud noises coming from Gill's room. It sounded like there was a fight. Club soda he was carrying scattered across the room as Cal dashed in that direction with fear gripped heart. Whatever was going on, it definitely wasn't anything good.

When Cal entered, Gill turned around and raised her arm that held the gun she had confiscated from the cop, who lay unconsciously at her feet. Cal had seen a lot in this world, but never, not even in his wildest dreams he would have imagined a day when Gillian would point a gun at him.

She had ripped the tubes out of her arms rather un-ceremonially and the blood was running freely from the small puncture wounds. Furthermore, during the struggle she apparently had ripped some of the stitches as there was a small blood strain on the front side of her gown.

Although his first thought was that it had been a self defence, her expression spoke volumes. It was clear as a day that she and not the guard had provoked the scene.

"Back away," she stated coldly, gun pointed at his head. There was a flash of regret in her eyes, but it was quickly masked with sheer determination.

"Gill? What is going on?" Cal tried to approach her calmly. As calmly, as it was possible under the circumstances.

"Back away mister. I'm not kidding."

Mister - distancing language. She was not as unaffected as she pretended to be.

It was a stupid risk, but Cal was known for taking stupid risks.

"Or else what? You will shoot me?" Cal asked taking a small step closer. He really hoped that it was not a misjudgement on his part, that somewhere underneath cold exterior was his Gillian and he was not dealing with entirely different persona.

"I will."

"That's a lie," Cal said taking other step forward. He was almost at the barrel of the gun. One more step and the gun would be pressed to his skull.

"Want to test this theory with your life?" Gillian sneered.

"I know you. You are not an assassin."

The hand holding the gun slightly wavered, but she didn't lower the weapon. Cal knew that he was getting under her skin. He just hoped that he would get to her before she accidentally or intentionally pulled the trigger.

"Stay out of this, it does not concern you. Just let me leave."

"Sorry, luv. I can't," Cal said, unguarded emotions evident in his voice "I lost you once; I'm not losing you again."

"Please, just step aside," Gill almost pleaded; desperation audible in voice.

"You know that I can't."

"You don't want to be in my way," she stated in a cold detached voice. All the emotions visible just mere seconds ago gone, replaced with utter despair. She had to get out. There was no other way.

Cal saw the change in her demeanour and it scared him. He was not so sure anymore that she would not pull the trigger. Whatever thought had just crossed her mind, it made her act on pure instinct and not logic. She was on the verge and one false move could trigger her off.

When she steadied aim, Cal involuntarily took a step back. Unfortunately for Gillian, he took it in the wrong direction and now was standing right in front of the doors.

"Step aside!" she ordered.

Cal hesitated. It was a small step, but it was giant leap of destiny. He knew that as soon as he moved, she would be out of his life forever.

One small step!

All it took to lose her again was one small step. It was cruel twist of faith.

Gill saw unfolding internal battle and knew that he had to be pushed. Not literally, as she physically was no match for the man even on her best day. Injured she simply didn't stand a chance. Sirens of approaching police cars were heard in the distance. The stupid cop had hit the emergency button on the transmitter before he went down. In a couple of minutes the opportunity window would be lost, no escape route left. The time was running out fast.

Words left her mouth before she really thought them through "Think about Emily..."

Realizing her mistake Gill froze and deadly silence fell over the room. The world stopped its spin as they stared at each other. Distant noises of arriving police and beeping sounds of medical equipment muted. The whole universe consisted of the two of them and her enormous slip of the tongue.

It was one of rare occasions when Cal Lightman was left completely speechless.

Since Gillian woke he had never mentioned his daughter. Not even once. There was no way she could have known about Emily, none, unless she had been lying about the memory loss.

She lied from the start and he hadn't seen it!

Twist he never anticipated.

Gill felt numb. She had been so close to have a clean getaway. So close! The cost of her stupidity was high. It was more than just her freedom; it was a life.

The charade was over. No chance left. While Cal believed that she didn't remember, she could bargain her way out. He could not be 100% sure whether she was capable to pull the trigger or not, but now he knew. Now he knew!

Hot tears ran down pale cheeks and the hand holding the gun dropped down in defeat. Gill was literally falling apart.

She looked so small, lost and fragile that it broke Cal's heart and he finally spoke "Darling..."

The endearment was her undoing and violent sobs escaped her lips. Cal stepped forward and despite the fact that just minutes ago she had pointed a gun at him, embraced the trembling woman in a warm heartfelt hug. The feeling of her body against his was so familiar and right that they almost got lost in the moment.

If only time stopped right there and then forever!

Before they had a chance to react, small room filled with cops. Everything happened so fast.

The picture in the room spoke volumes – policeman down, a woman holding a gun. No questions were asked as Cal was roughly hauled to the other side of the room. From the corner of his eye he saw that Gill was pulled into opposite direction by several men in uniform. Gill's arm holding the gun automatically shot up subconsciously trying to keep the balance, but they saw it as a threat and one of the men hit her hard with the baton directly in the abdomen.

Gill's eyes went wide with shock and pain as she desperately tried to grasp for the air. Instead of helping her, they roughly pulled the gun out of her hand, pushed her down and cuffed her arms behind the back, tightly pressing unresisting woman into the floor. Gill was still gasping, as the pain in the stomach intensified. She felt metal taste as her mouth filled with blood.

Cal was desperately fighting the two men holding him.

Slack woman was roughly pulled from the floor. Everyone gasped at the sight. She was smeared in her own blood, pouring freely from the abdomen and mouth, an expressive pool was left on the floor. The hit had significantly damaged half healed gunshot wound. The stitches had been ripped wide open.

"Call the doctors! She is bleeding!" Cal hysterically screamed "Call the doctors you bloody morons!"

The pain was so intense that Gill wasn't able to stand. She resumed in vertical position only thanks to the tight grip on her armpits.

Someone pressed emergency button at the top of the bed. At the same time Cal finally broke free and rushed over to Gillian's limp body, gently taking her down to the floor and cradling her head in his lap at the same time putting pressure on her wound to lessen the bleeding.

No one said a word as the man desperately mumbled over and over again "Please, Gill, hold on. Don't leave me! Never leave me again!"

Hearing his voice Gill opened glassy bloodshot eyes, and looked at Cal. She wanted to say something, to reassure him, but the pain was too strong. She couldn't speak.

Doctors rushed in and Cal was pulled away from the weak blood covered form. They put her on the gurney.

"External and internal bleeding, possible damage of spleen" doctor moved quickly "call the OR; tell them we are on the way."

Cal stood in the corridor. Arms limply hanging by his side and shirt were covered in Gill's blood. He still was a bit short of breath from the fight. Feel of helplessness washed over as he watched the gurney wheel down the hall and disappear behind white doors of the OR.

Sense of déjà vu almost knocked him off the feet.

He raised his arm and suddenly focused on the blood, as if seeing the crimson liquid for the first time.

Suddenly he felt sick.

Leaving bewildered cops behind Cal rushed to the toilet and leaned over the sink desperately retching, but nothing came out. He tried to wash his arms, scrubbed them almost pealing of the epidermis, but still the sticky hotness of her blood didn't fade.

Leaning against the sink, Cal looked in the mirror. The image that looked back angered him.

In blind rage he lifted the garbage can and threw it at the mirror shattering the glass into tiny pieces, but it was not enough. He repeated the action until he run out of the energy and the room around looked like after street-gang fight.

Finally he tossed the can away and with back pressed firmly against the wall slid down. Arms rested on the knees as silent tears run down his cheeks. Unfocused gaze looked somewhere in the distance.

For some unknown reason one particular conversation was rolling loops in his head. It was the one they had after Doyle case.

"_So that talk about you being a bad liar, it was just an act. That's a lie."_

"_Depends on the lie."_

Turns out she really was a brilliant liar.

The question was whom she was protecting this time.

More importantly – whether she would live to tell?


	12. Chapter 11 Fall from the grace - Part V

**Chapter 11**

_**Note:**__ Sorry, sorry, sorry for the long gap… And million thanks to all reviewers. You keep the stories alive._

* * *

><p><strong>Fall from the grace - Part V<strong>

Forty minutes seemed like eternity as Cal waited outside the operation block. It was becoming too much of a routine, one that he most definitely could live without.

Not a full hour ago, back in the hospital room there was a moment when he had her back, his Gillian, the woman he knew, the woman he loved. She was still there, under the cold facade put on for the world.

Whatever happened over last four years had changed her more than Cal dared to admit. For a split second he had managed to get under her skin. If only it all wouldn't have burned down in red flames by the long paw of the 'justice'. Cal was more than sure he would have managed to get to the truth.

Grey walls of the waiting room were only worsening man's already grim mood. Events of the morning kept playing endless loop in his mind.

Try as he might Cal couldn't absorb the idea that Gill had really pulled a gun at him. Soft and gentle woman refused to watch movies entitling fight scenes or killings, and the one time he tricked her to watch Die Hard she cringed at each scene with bloodshed. Now his partner was somehow tangled with murders, shot, barely out of the woods overpowered an armed cop. It all seemed rather some sort of sick joke than reality. Any moment the curtains would fall and reveal a masterfully played cruel prank.

Unfortunately cold hard reality was far from wishful thinking. The woman whom he trusted more than he trusted himself had lied right to his face. The thought that he hadn't seen it coming drove Cal crazy. She had always been his blind spot, but never to such an extent. Usually he saw all the emotions playing on her face. It was just the interpretation he sucked at. Although Gillian was open and warm person, she rarely if ever spoke about herself. Times when he had caught her crying were practically the only ones she had at least partially let him in. Despite their friendship, he didn't know the secrets of her heart. For the love of God, Cal didn't even know the reasons behind her divorce.

Despite how silly it might seem considering the circumstances, the feeling of being betrayed didn't leave the man. Maybe she had her reasons to conceal the truth, but it hurt nevertheless. Like a quote from a proverb, Murdock's words entered mind: _"People change. The catalysts are different, but the mere fact stays the same – if pushed hard enough everyone can become complete opposite of his self."_

The look in Gill's eyes when she held the gun made Murdock's words scarily real.

The doors to the OR opened and a gurney was wheeled out. Cal's heart skipped a beat and bile rose up his throat. Gill looked even paler than before and circles that underlined closed eyes had turned from grey to almost black.

A quick reading of doctor's face was confirmed by man's next words, "The patient will be fine. The stitches from the first operation were roughly torn open and she was bleeding internally, but luckily we intervened before permanent damage was done."

_Lucky does not even begin to cover it_, Cal thought. In the meanwhile the doctor continued, "Although she was not in the best condition when admitted, we didn't face any major complications during the operation. For next several days she will be extremely sore, especially the abdomen area. Moving should be minimized."

The adrenalin caused by fear started to wash away, leaving Cal completely drained.

_Gill will be alright! _was the only solid thought left.

There was uncertainty on doctor's face that made Cal cautious. It seemed that the man wanted to say something, but couldn't decide whether he should.

"What, what is it?" Cal's tone was harsher than he intended.

"I was informed that she got injured while in hospital. What happened?"

Although there had been no accusation on the other man's face, just curiosity, Cal's defense mechanism kicked in full measure.

"Ask the police, I believe they have report on the subject," Cal snapped and turned to follow the gurney that by the time had reached the other end of the hallway. As he walked, Cal brushed his face with the palms and sighed. The cut off snide remark to the doctor was completely uncalled for. Especially considering that the other man had just saved Gill's life. Still, Cal couldn't overcome that protective streak of his personality.

He should apologize to the man, but it could wait till he knew that Gillian really was fine.

At least this time she was not hooked up to the breathing machine and that alone was a good sign.

###

Since Gill was wheeled back from the OR, Cal never left her side.

At one point the inevitable force of nature going under name of agent Murdock showed up. Cal had uttermost desire to throw the man out before he took a step inside the room, but knew better.

They sat side by side for a long time, each lost in his own thoughts. It was Murdock who finally broke the silence.

"Maybe the guys did overreact, but Bonnie wasn't an innocent bystander either."

Cal knew that it was the closest thing to an apology he would get.

"She didn't harm anybody!"

"That is not entirely true, is it?" something in Murdock's voice made Cal cautious. It was more than just a hunch, more than testimony of the policeman whom Gill knocked unconscious. Putting two and two together he realized the ugly truth.

"Son of the bitch, you bugged the room!" accusation in the tone was unmistakable.

"Off course we bugged the room. What did you expect? That we would leave our main suspect and potential witness without 24/7 supervision and solely rely on your cooperation? Hollywood has really undermined the perception of the law enforcement."

"Armed cop overpowered by an injured woman who, by the way, is cuffed to a bed. A Houdini worth trick. The Hollywood is not as far from the truth as you would like to believe," Cal bite.

"Touché!" Murdock smirked, "Although that is not the point!"

"What is the point then?"

"As soon as Bonnie is well enough for transportation she will be transferred to the prison hospital. It seems that your friend can't be left without a proper supervision."

"Is it really necessary?" Cal's heart sank. Gillian was too delicate and sweet to survive in that environment. His own experience during Jenkins case was more than just disturbing. Besides Gill wouldn't have the leverage he did - the knowledge that if things went south, he would be pulled out immediately.

"We have to act by books. The risk of another attempt to flee is too high and even you are not able to prevent it, at least not entirely," Murdock was referring to Gill's slip mentioning Emily, "We have tried everything. She won't break."

"What did you expect? Gillian is resourceful and smart. I bet she knew about the bugs."

"Maybe she did, but that does not change anything. Either she cooperates or rots in prison, those are the options available," with that Murdock stood and left.

Dark clouds gathered above Cal's head as he looked at sleeping woman. There was no way in hell he would idly stand by and let them destroy her.

The only question was - what could he do?

###

Five days had passed since the accident. Gill had woken at the evening of the first day and ever since was on the road to recovery. Although her physical injuries were slowly healing, the same could not be said about the emotional trauma.

Despite all Cal's efforts, Gillian just lay there in catatonic like state, not a single sound had escaped her lips. Even Murdock's un-ceremonial pushing didn't work. No matter how hard they tried to break her, no matter what they threw at her, Gillian remained silent.

From the start Cal suspected that it was a deliberate act, last line of defense. Gill knew that her lies were uncovered. Silence was only armor left at her disposal and she used it. Even threats of imprisonment didn't lessen her resolve.

###

Gill lied in the hospital bed, eyes closed. Pain killers had worn off hours ago, the pain bordered to unbearable, but hell would freeze over before she would ask for a help. Desperate need to figure a way out of the mess was overwhelming. Too much depended on her ability to elude the righteous hand of Temide.

Only scenario her tired brain offered involved Cal's help, but that was not even an option. He was too involved as it was. She would never deliberately put him in harm's way.

If only it wasn't for her stupid mistake, it would have been a clean getaway.

Now it was too late. The security at her doors had doubled, not to mention that the cuffs were really tight. Not even dislocated thumb would do the trick. Besides, hidden camera documented all her moves.

Despite all odds she had to figure a way, had to break free.

All that mattered was survival.

She had to survive.

_tbc_


	13. Chapter 12 Fall from the grace - Part VI

**Chapter 12**

**Fall from the grace - Part VI**

_Note: Special thanks to all who still read the story and find some time to post a review!_

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><p><em>Six months later<em>

The D.C. was covered with thick layer of white snow. Streets were full of bustling people. The Christmas spirit hung heavily in the air. It seemed that everyone was in a desperate attempt to spend all the savings so that the New Year could be started from the scratch.

Cal had never been great fan of festivities, but this year his mood put into shame even notorious Scrooge.

It was cold, windy morning. Stale sun was barely visible through thick layers of snow clouds. Agent Murdock and his team were in the position. Cal watched as the men scattered among the bare trees of the park surrounding the perimeter. Full blown operation in action.

It all could have been interesting to observe, if it wasn't for the circumstances. Since the early call that got him out of the bed and forced into the action, Cal had been both, waiting and dreading this moment.

Upon Murdock's orders two men quietly rushed to the house and took strategical positions on both sides of the neatly polished wooden entrance doors. In a perfection gained by years of experience Murdock opened the doors with a single kick and with his weapon drawn high entered.

"Freeze! FBI! Stay in your position hands held high!"

The two agents were the first ones who followed covering Murdock. The rest of the men remained in the positions around the perimeter.

Unable to idly stand by any longer, Cal pushed aside the policeman who was supposed to stop him, run across the street and entered the building. Bangs of the doors and heavy footsteps could be heard from all directions as the FBI searched the house.

Upon entering the living room Cal noticed a figure sitting on the sofa. The man was particularly relaxed considering the circumstances. His face was distorted with a cheeky grin that Cal hated so much. The man held a cup of morning coffee near his lips as if waiting for some kind of un-freeze command to come. Noticing Cal the man's grin became even wider.

"Lightman. Long time no see," the man smirked and took a sip of the aromatic beverage, "Signed up with the boy scouts I see. Would you care for a cup of coffee?"

"Cut the crap Rader. Where is she?" Cal asked as Murdock entered the room. Agent's expression was groom as he looked at Cal. The man was clearly annoyed by his presence, but decided to save it for later.

"You heard the man. Where is she?" Murdock asked in a steely voice.

"Where is who?"

"Don't play dumb with me," Murdock's tone was thunderous, "Where is Foster. We know she was here."

Cal observed the other man carefully. Rader was not even slightly surprised by the fact that FBI had shown up on his doorsteps. It meant only one thing.

"Bastard! You knew we were coming," the accusation in the tone was unmistakable. Rader still sat there with that cheeky grin. He didn't say a word, but none were needed. Jack knew that Cal could see right through him. There was no point to even try with lies.

"Where is she!" Murdock was almost screaming.

With uttermost calmness Rader took another sip of coffee and said, "Why didn't you just ask in the first place?"

The tone was annoyingly smug, "Gillian really was here, had been for the last month or so, but she left early this morning. Maybe there are some of her things left in the guest room. Upstairs, second doors to the right."

Murdock hurried out of the room barking orders.

Cal and Rader were left in the room alone. Cal was the first one to break the silence.

"Why didn't you tell me Gillian was here?"

"You never asked."

_Touche!_

"How is she?" there was a deep concern in Cal's voice.

"She had been better."

"You said one month. She does not stay so long in one place. How did you convince her to hang around? Glued her to the wall?"

Instead of some smug reply, Rader's expression lost all its playfulness and cheekiness. Whatever he was about to say had a great effect on him. It was the first time in life Cal saw so many raw emotions playing on the other man's face – deep concern, affection, care, worry. They all mixed up making the other man look a lot older.

"I didn't have to. Gillian was barely conscious when she appeared on my doorsteps."

Cal's throat clenched, "How bad was her condition?"

"Really bad," Rader inhaled a deep breath, but still his voice wavered with emotions as he continued, "It looked like she had lost a round or two to Jack the Reaper and Muhammad Ali. Someone had beaten the hell out of her. She had several broken bones and quite deep knife wounds that required stitching. Considering her state it was a miracle she had managed to escape and get someone to drop her here."

"How did it happen? Who did this to her?"

"She never told me."

"Did you ask?"

"Off course I did, but you know how tight lipped and stubborn she can be. Even I don't know full extent of the damage she had suffered. Gillian let me see only the worst injuries. A friend of mine who works at the hospital helped with makeshift casts to held in place broken bones, stitching and some medication. Without proper medical equipment we could only hope and pray that she didn't have any internal bleeding or organ failure."

"Why didn't you call the police, didn't bring her to the hospital?"

"I wanted to, but before she lost consciousness she begged me not to tell anyone, especially you."

The truth hurt deeply, especially the last part which stabbed a painful dagger in Cal's heart.

Rader's eyes shone with unshed tears as continued, "if only she would have received proper medical care it all would have been so much less painful. Unfortunately she was and still is too scared. Her emotional traumas run deep."

"What she is afraid of?"

Rader's eyebrows tightened in frustration, "I don't know and she won't tell, but amongst other demons haunting her there is someone called Jack. This guy scares the living hell out of Gill. At first I thought that she is referring to me in her nightmares, but then realized that there is a lot more to it."

Jack, the man Murdock was after. It was already second time Cal got confirmation that despite her denial, Gill knew perfectly well who it was.

"Where did she go?" Cal's tone was almost begging, "I can help her."

"How? By putting her in prison?" Rader's tone was cold, "Don't you realize that Gillian is fighting for her life. She made it perfectly clear that she cares too much for you to put you in harm's way. Putting it more frankly – she does not want help, yours or anybody else's."

Cal's jaw almost dropped, "She said it?"

"Not really, but I sensed it."

"What can I do to help?"

"If you want to help her, really help, call off the hound dogs," Rader snapped, "Gillian is in a bad shape as it is without constant fear for her freedom and necessity to look over her shoulder."

"A lot of evidence speaks against her."

"You as well as I know that it is a bloody bullshit!"

In that instant Murdock reappeared. From the look on his face it was clear that they hadn't discovered anything useful so he put out his frustration on Rader, "You know it is a criminal offence to hide a fugitive."

"I was not hiding a fugitive. I was helping my former mentor, colleague and a good friend. This is the first time I hear that you guys are looking for her."

The raw emotions that were playing on Rader's face just seconds ago were gone replaced by his usual smug self confident look.

"You are lying."

"Prove it," it was almost a challenge.

"Trust me, I will," Murdock's tone was openly threatening.

"If you are not planning to bring up the charges, I believe it is time for you to leave, all of you," Rader's tone was calm, but firm.

Murdock's expression was deadly as he motioned for his men to round up. When they had almost reached the doors, Rader's voice stopped them in their tracks.

"By the way, where should I send the bill for the doors?" the cheeky grin was back in full motion.

Murdock cursed under his breath.

Cal's mood was below zero as he stepped on the front porch. The morning hadn't turned out the way it was expected.

The fact that Gillian had turned to Rader and not him in the hour of need was painful blow below the waste.

It was the truth, he had joint the FBI for this case, but only to ensure that when she was found, she was and would remain safe and sound.

Since the day she shot the policeman and escaped the hospital, everything just kept rolling down the hill.

Gill was on the run. Accusations were serious. The death grip circling her was only tightening. What could he do to make it all right?

As if asking for guidance Cal raised his eyes to the clouded skies.

_Where are you, darling? _

_What demons are you fighting now?_


	14. Chapter 13 Dragon and Butterfly

**Chapter 13 - Dragon and Butterfly**

**_Note:_**_ There I was peacefully working on another piece (new chapter for the 'Second chance'), when this one started to bug me like crazy. Since I lost all hope to get rid of it, I had to put everything aside and write another chapter for this intense and twisted saga. And yes, I know I have 'frozen' it for too long, but as they say… better late than never... __Hope you will enjoy and please let me know whether you would still like to see where it goes… _

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><p>Despite all the resources at their disposal, it took two months before they got a new lead. Anonymous tip was received to check a strip bar in Boston.<p>

"It does not sound like Gill," Cal commented looking out of the window at the night sky, while the chopper continued its' decent.

Murdock was not impressed, "Sorry to disappoint, but your girl has hanged out in a lot worse places than that."

Cal closed his eyes, but even that didn't help to chase away sickening mental pictures.

"You know, I have played million different scenarios, but none of them makes any sense," Cal sighed.

"Too bad," Murdock commented not lifting his eyes from the laptop.

Cal looked away. He kept forgetting that compassion was not in agent's vocabulary. Unfortunately, Murdock was the only person with whom Cal could discuss his thoughts and worries, since nobody else even suspected that Gill was alive. That has been their agreement. Needles to say that Cal was not too found of it.

"Get ready," Murdock shut the screen, checked his watch and looked at Cal, "and don't forget why you are here. If I have even slightest suspicions that you are trying to warn Bonnie or help her escape, I will put you in jail. Are we clear?"

Murdock allowed Cal to be a part of the investigation, since he was their best shot to crack the woman. Back at the hospital she already made a costly mistake because of the arrogant bastard. He was her Achilles heel. Murdock had every intention to exploit the fact to the limits and if sanctioned, even beyond.

Years of experience and excellent record proved that the agent was no fool. He knew that Cal had his own agenda and that is why he kept a close eye on the man.

Luckily, Cal wasn't aware how close. He would be unpleasantly surprised to learn that the whole time his phone had been bugged and his home and office was on 24/7 surveillance.

"We have been through this a thousand times. I know the drill," Cal nodded, but it didn't stop him from crossing his fingers beneath the table.

Preparing himself for the inevitable, Cal closed his eyes and prayed. He both hoped and dreaded that they would find her. If only there was a way to talk to her without praying eyes maybe… just maybe he could get under her skin.

He had been replaying hospital scene in his head over and over again. She had been so close to breaking down. It meant that somewhere under all those layers of ice and self-preservation was the woman he once knew.

Yes, he joined the dark forces, namely FBI, but it was for a good cause. He had to make sure that she was not hurt. Losing her again was not an option. Off course, aside from noble reasons he had his own motives. Being control freak he was, he could not live without learning the truth. He simply had to get to the bottom of this. Being out of the loop was driving him nuts.

He could never forget the look on her face, when she pulled a gun at him. Coldness of her stare, confident grip on the weapon and carefully measured, calculated movements told him more than any file he read before. For the first time he actually believed that she was capable of doing those horrible things FBI accused her off.

Question 'why' was embedded in his mind. What on earth could be so God damned important that she could even for a second contemplate to put a bullet in his skull only to escape?

He had little illusions on the outcome of their standoff, if it weren't for her faithful slip of the tongue.

Lately Foster appeared in his dreams with frightening frequency. Nightmares, if putting it more precisely. It always started the same. He was running through the mist, desperately trying to find her. Her voice was his beacon, but each time he got closer to the ghostly form, it disappeared into thin air. Sometimes she begged for help, other times laughed at his futile efforts. The result was always the same. He woke up with a start covered in cold sweat.

"Let's go…" agent's voice brought Cal back from his reverie.

Murdock was already on the move, giving orders to local policemen awaiting them on the rooftop.

The ride was short. The bar was located in the worst part of the dock area. It was a place any sane person would stay away even in the daylight.

The group gathered at the backside of the two-story building. Cal had to close his nose, because the smell was terrible. It felt like a body or two had discomposed nearby, which, considering the neighborhood, wouldn't be such a big surprise.

Without a humor Cal noted that the operation reminded more a bust on a drug cartel, not a capture of a single woman.

Murdock gave last orders. The men started to move. Cal was the last one to enter.

If Gill was not in danger before, she was now. Stone hard expressions of five Rambo's dressed in S.W.A.T. gear would put Stallone into shame.

Everything happened in a split of a second. On command the doors were kicked open. Screams and shrieks could be heard in a distance, customers and the girls did their best to flee or hide, while the cops searched the place, all the back rooms and rear exits. From the look of it, this was more than just a bar. It was a brothel. Cal's heart skipped a beat picturing Gill in this dumpster.

Loud voice from behind the bar overpowered the chaos, "What the hell is going on? You have no right to just barge in and scare my clients."

"Oh yes, we do," Murdock approached the man and handed over the warrant, "Who the hell are you?"

"I'm the owner, Small Pete."

Cal looked at the man. The nick was clearly a joke. The man was 5.6 feet tall and bulky. Tattoos, beard and leather outfit lead to believe that he was a biker.

"Have you seen this woman?" Murdock asked Small Pete handing over a photo.

"Whooptidoo!" Pete whistled looking at the picture, "I could definitely do her."

Cal's fists clenched.

"Does it mean yes or no?" Murdock didn't notice or didn't care for the way Pete licked his lips and his pupils dialed showing clear signs of arousal.

"Don't think so."

"And if you think better?"

Pete's meaty fingers tightened around the photo as he raised it closer to his eyes.

"Come to think of it," he paused, "pretty much reminds me of Delilah. About the same height and everything, only that devil is thinner and blond."

"What about her eyes?"

"What about them?"

"What color are they?"

"Crystal blue, like the sky."

"Blue?" Murdock looked at Cal who just shrugged his shoulders, "Are you sure?"

"Absolutely! This one is doable, but Delilah…mmm…. she is simply smoking, if you know what I mean."

Cal was fighting the desire to push a bar of soap down Pete's throat. He truly hoped that whoever this Delilah was, she had nothing to do with Gillian.

In the meanwhile Pete turned his back to them and searched for something among the huge collection of erotic photos hanging on the wall, "Wait a sec, I think I have one..."

Cal was getting sick feeling in the pitch of his stomach. Questionable nature of the pictures with naked people in most intimate poses left little for imagination what was about to come.

"Oh, yes, here it is," Pete took one piece of paper from the wall. With great trepidation Cal braced himself for inevitable.

To his great relief, it was nothing even close to the porn. A blond woman dressed in leather pants and white tank top was sitting by the bar. She had a lit cigarette in one hand and a glass of scotch in the other. Huge dragon tattoo decorated most of her right arm. The picture immortalized the moment when she exhaled the smoke.

Without a second thought Cal started, "It is not ….", but taking a closer look froze mid sentence and gasped.

Pete was right. It was Gillian, unless she had a doppelganger. He would recognize her face everywhere.

Woman's outfit, extensive black makeup and disheveled blond locks unpleasantly reminded a hooker.

"If you don't mind, I would like to keep it for cold lonely nights…" Pete tried to take the photo back, but Cal snatched it with such a ferocity, that the piece of paper almost tore apart.

"Hey, what is wrong with you?" Pete's eyebrows rose.

"We will take it as an evidence," Murdock replied before Cal had a chance to open mouth, "Was she a stripper?"

Cal flinched. The question left unpleasant taste in his mouth.

"Who? Delilah?" the man laughed, "No. She just came here a couple of times."

"How well do you know her?"

"We talked a bit."

"What about?"

"Nothing in particular."

_A lie._ Pete knew far more than he let on.

"Cut the crap," Cal's nerves gave in, even Murdock's cold stare couldn't stop him, "You know her better than that! I can see it, there, again. That twitch is almost a neon sign."

"If you don't tell what you know, we will turn this place upside down and put you in jail."

"For what?"

"For hiding a federal fugitive, attack on police officers, illegal business, I bet we would find some drugs here too... should I continue?" Murdock was on a wave.

"Fuck off," Pete started, reaching under the table, but a barrel of a gun at his temple made him change his mind.

"Ok, ok," the man lowered his voice, "but if someone asks, you didn't hear it from me."

"Go on," patience clearly was not Cal's virtue.

"Streets rumor that Delilah worked for Tony Moretto."

"She what?" Cal's voice fell. What business Gill could possibly have with that devil? Tony Moretto was a crime lord famous for his cruelty and deadly recon with competitors.

"I can't say for sure, but the word is that she was somehow involved in his human trafficking ring."

Sharp pain run through Cal's chest. His mind categorically refused to believe his ears.

The agent, on the other hand, was not surprised.

"What else do you know?"

"As I said, not much. She really was here only a couple of times."

"And?"

"And nothing. I haven't seen her in a while."

"Lies," Cal pushed through clenched teeth.

The gun was pushed more firmly against Pete's head.

"Fine," the man gave in, "As I said, she hang around here and we talked. Nothing fancy. She never told me what brought her to this neighborhood."

"And?"

Pete sighed, clearly contemplating whether to continue or not.

Murdock pulled out the handcuffs. That seemed to do the trick.

"Two nights ago the woman just appeared on my doorsteps asking for help. I could tell something had gone terribly wrong."

"What makes you say that?"

"A pool of blood from a bullet wound in her leg and two scared to death girls in a tow seemed convincing argument at the time."

"She was injured?"

"No," Pete's tone was full of irony, "hanging around bleeding like a pig is the new black."

Murdock didn't share the humor, "What girls?"

"Didn't ask, didn't care. All I can say is that the gals were clearly in shock. Not overly talkative company as you can imagine."

"Gill… Delilah?"

"She just dropped them on my doorsteps, asked to hide them for a couple of hours and disappeared."

"The girls. Where are they now?"

"I do not know. As I said, they were here only a couple of hours. Then a guy came to collect them."

"What guy? Can you describe him?"

Even Pete's rather poor vocabulary left little doubts on who the mystery man was.

Jack Rader!

Murdock went on, "What happened to Delilah?"

"As I said, I do not know."

"You think she could come back?" Murdock asked taking down notes.

"Highly doubt it."

The way Pete said it caught Cal's attention, "What makes you say that?"

Pete lowered his voice, "A source of mine mentioned that someone had stolen Moretto's merchandise. Two girls went missing from his latest shipment around the time. My guess is that Delilah rescued those poor souls."

"Why would she do that?" Murdock's tone was dry.

"How the hell am I supposed to know?" Pete shrugged his shoulders, "She never said and I didn't bother to ask. Believe it or not, at the time I had other concerns."

"Why didn't you call the police?"

"And tell them exactly what?" the man smirked, "That I hide illegal immigrants in the basement of a brothel? That would be a day!"

Aside from the craziness of the whole situation, one question kept bothering Cal, "Why did you agree to help?"

Pete sighed, "Delilah helped me a big time. I just returned the favor."

"Helped you with what?"

"That is none of your damned business."

"Humor us."

"It is private."

"I can make it federal," Murdock's face distorted into ugly scowl.

Pete looked around and lowered his voice even more, "One of my girls was beaten almost to death. I might be a pervert bastard, but I do care what happens with my people."

"What does Gill… Delilah have to do with it?"

"She found the sons of bitches who did it and made them pay."

"Wouldn't you say," Murdock smirked, "Angel of retribution impersonated."

"Laugh all you want, but the heart of that girl is in the right place."

Agent continued with standard questions, but Cal was not listening. His mind was still trying to grasp the information.

_Moretto… Human trafficking… Bullet wound… Rescued girls…_

In what bloody universe it made sense?

Gillian, who wouldn't harm even a fly was going after gangsters? Impossible!

Only part, which he was willing to believe, was the rescue, but even that left one two many black holes.

Like what was her involvement in the first place? And what is Jack's role in all of this?

Knowing the man they will have to drag each word out of him with pliers.

Besides, as much as he wanted to deny it, Cal felt hurt that in the hour of need Gill again turned to Rader and not him. _Why Jack of all the people?_

Chasing unpleasant thoughts away, Cal's focused his attention on the picture in his hand.

The woman looked tired, her eyes were so full of sadness that Cal involuntarily shuddered.

Gillian he knew didn't smoke. The tattoo on her arm was another piece that didn't fit. She hated needles. Even simple vaccination was a nightmare for her. What could have made her do something like that to herself?

Moving closer to the light, Cal noticed additional detail of the tattoo he had missed before. Squeezing his eyes for better focus he finally saw what it was.

A butterfly.

It seemed that the delicate creature was doing its best to elude the monster.

Was there some meaning behind it?

Putting the picture in his pocket Cal silently wondered,

_Who are you, luv? The butterfly or the dragon?_

_tbc_


End file.
